Thursday, January 31, 2008

Franklin County girl

Brooks and Dunn says "you can take the girl out of the county but you can't take the country out of the girl!" HOT DAMN..it's the truth! I was sitting here listening to 'Flies in the Butter' by Wynonna....it's a song on the player at the bottom of the page. Well, all I can say is that song moved me to tears cause I grew up on mostly at my grandparent's place in Hardy. It was rambling acreage with no comforts. Well, electricity...but no running water and an outhouse. But my grandmother had 19 grandchildren...11 are girls...more than cousins...we were raised as siblings. There was always at least 8-10 of us who stayed there weekly every summer...all of us on the weekends. We slept 3 to a bed. We bathed in a galvanized washtub that we filled by hand from the branch. We had stumped toes, poison ivy, bee stings, mosquitoe bites and great tans. Hey we were cheap farm labor..we cooked, cleaned, moved, fenced, milked, gathered eggs, made jelly, ground up sausage, stacked hay, picked flowers, baked mud pies, chased lightening bugs, rode horses, fought with each other and loved each other.....I oft think what looking at my grandmother thru adult eyes would look like....I was barely into my 20's when she died.....I hated her then...I wonder if that would have changed...but the images in this song....rouse a strange mix of feelings in my heart....I loved her...I didn't like her...but I learned much at her dress hem!

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

I'm me...

Something happened today that reminded me that the only thing that I can control in this life is me. And I am amazingly consistent in my responses...I'm almost back to myself because I feel that burning in my stomach...that which I need....I NEED....I WANT....the familiar pangs of an addiction that I nurse.....a crushing craving for something that I will never have.....even Betsy saw it today I think....a flicker in my eyes... something.... a catch in my breath........but what she said made me laugh......for it's the thing I most desire and my greatest fear all rolled into one thing...for to get it...would be to lose it forever..I know this in my heart and in my soul....I have know this truth from the beginning......because I have seen nothing capture it so far and I suffer from no delusions that I can claim this beast ....I can run with the King of the Jungle if he lets me....but I have always been left in a state of wantoness...hunger......I get only the crumbs that fall and roll out of sight and the truth be known....those crumbs sustain me.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Oh this is PRICELESS!

I've been waiting all day to put this down! Don't read if you're eating, just finished or just about to start eating!!! I have always been considered to be 'bright' so early on I realized that there were 3 ways that things occur in this world....the EASY way...the HARD way...and the BRENDA way....which is the HARD way to the 10th power. Don't get me wrong...I'm not whining...much...it has made me very appreciative of my successes and especially my failures....and it has made me very proud of who I am. It has also given me a peculiar sense of humor. In situations where most would literally die of embarassment...I have sat right down on the floor and laughed out loud at myself...and that is exactly what happened this morning. I awoke at 4 am, surprized at how well I felt, considering how sick I had been. So I decided to get my ass up and go to work...I work for the state 'government' and it's the end of the month....and there is no END to the 'end of the month' paper work....you have to submit reports on everything from the preceding month as well as make sure that all the systems are in place to collect and collate whatever data needs to be collected for the next month's report...it's a vicious cycle. But I digress... I decided to get up and put on my game face...everyone knows I've been sick so I show up the picture of competency and efficiency. I shower, do my hair, my makeup...I pick a black cashmere sweater over a black and grey houndstooth shirt....black knee high high heeled boots and my wool black and grey wrap...purrrrfect! I am beautiful and all business. I even kiss at myself in the mirror....could I be more of a goofass? So I have been sick...respiratory...very congested...chest...sinus....pressure is gone but my rib cage feels like I have been a tackling dummy for the Pat's practice all week. So I make myself some oatmeal and take a couple of bites...downing about half a cup of coffee as I decide to run out and start my car. I head down my deck steps toward the drive when I see my neighbor Steve walking his 'baby' Consuela at the end of my driveway. I open my mouth to say..."Hi ya Honey!" but no words come out...as soon as I attempt to speak a wave of nausea washes over me and I PUKE ALL OVER MYSELF! Not just the couple of swallows of oatmeal that I managed to get down but yards of phlegm...mountains of it....I guess it had to go somewhere...but all over me....even on my boots....all I remember before collapsing into a heap of laughter is the utterly horrified look on poor Steve's face.....ok so I know this is gross...but is so typifies my life...He runs to me thinking I'm having an aneurism or something and I am laughing uncontrollably. He starts laughing as I attempt to tell him I'm fine...I go into my house to find my son looking at me puzzled then he starts to laugh. I hear him...'Only you' as I re-shower, redress in a champagne colored pantsuit and get to work 15 minutes late with 'wash and wear' hair and some lipstick. Everytime someone told me how great I looked...I just laughed and said..."ya should have seen me the first time!" But the best had to be the single red rose on my doorstep when I got home from work. The card read....'I've never seen anyone vomit so beautifully' Mi vida Loca!

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Happy NEW Year??

I have putting this off for about a week now..hoping against hope that this feeling would go away. No such luck! With the exception of the 5 days that I went into the witness protection program.......this year has just SUCKED so far. It started off very well...great New Year's Eve party at Neil's, I remember thinking at midnight...this is going be my year....8 is my lucky number...but was I wrong! I wanted to put the losses I've felt thru all of 2007 behind me and 'build a bridge and get the FUCK over it!!' I'm seem to be at that age where people I know are starting to die. That is almost easier to deal with than the ones who just ignore me. I got back 4 christmas cards as undeliverable...so I take that to mean...I moved..fuck you...I don't care enough about you to let you know where to send the card I get from you EVERY YEAR! Nice. ok...I'm whining...I really haven't been preserverating on it that much...but it hurt me. I'm still not doing so well with the boys just not needing me anymore...a mom with no one to mother is a sad thing to behold...my curse for raising such independent people...(Gregory suddenly doesn't want to discuss things with me)..so I'm left with these gaping holes in my life. Add in the losses I've suffered lately.....I still have not gotten over the shocking death of one of my dearest friends, Davey...everyday I miss him so much and I look for him everywhere. I found one of his socks and I just started crying.....He died on his birthday and I still haven't moved his present, it's right on my backseat of my car...I'm not sure what to do with it!! I was going to take it to him...I never got the chance. I think about all the damn presents I give all the time...why is this one sticking with me? I think I'll give to his brother Lou. It has really just magnified an ongoing problem I have.....that I want what I want and I WANT IT RIGHT NOW.....this theme just rears its ugly head all the time and I become so selfish....I know you all swear you don't see it but I do, and I know you do too...you just like to be nice to me!! So in 27 days...I've been to 2 funerals...in the same week...two friends of mine that I thought were in a very committed relationship have split up and being emotional support for one of them is killing me....16 years they were together and you know what I think on that subject...but watching G breaks my heart and makes me unpack my Samsonite....my oldest son is having some sort of issue and I can't help, he won't elaborate on what is going on...so I can't help him.....and that would be a character flaw...I FIX THINGS....I TAKE CARE OF PEOPLE....that's what I do.......then the frosting on the cake....I'm sick.....I mean I'm fucking sick...me and Boscoe have just been laying in bed......I missed Betsy at River Falls and the Pitcher's Pub....I have only been sitting upright for 20 minutes and I'm about to faint....I'm watching it snow thru the bay window in my kitchen...big flakes...like someone shaking a snowglobe...or better yet...an etch a sketch....erase it all and let me start all over.....hey I can dream can't I? Well anyway...now it's out....now it can get better!! Right??...right!!

Friday, January 25, 2008

Visiting the OTHER side of town...

It occurred to me that each place I've lived has been a different part of my life. My life in Va I was single, no babies and maybe again! Then I lived in south Taunton, married with 2 babies...now in north Taunton....and sometimes I'm not sure what I am. Alone alot, I guess.

I got up this morning to go drop my car off...I am one with my car...and the transmissions slips when it downshifts and I don't want it to get any worse. I am hard on automobiles. So I decide I will walk the 3 1/2 miles back home for exercise, fresh air and to exert some physical energy...wink wink! So I'm walking along listening to Betsy on my IPOD. I get to edge of Memorial Park...and suddenly despite the cold every nerve in my body is jumping and my eyes pool and my heart seizes in my chest. I have not been in this park for a decade...since 1999 anyways...since I moved to the house I live in now. Before we lived in a house 2 blocks from this park and I was here everyday. It's not a big park...I can stand on the walkway and see every corner of it. I look to my right. Once there was a rose trellis there....a million years ago it seems now.....I stood there with over a hundred of my friends and vowed to love a man forever...and he did the same....forever doesn't last too long sometimes. I can see my sister, laughing at me as tears roll down my face, but I am smiling....I was happy. Our guests wore everything from suits to shorts...it was a wild day. I turn my back on the memory as my eyes burn and my heart hurts. There to the left is a driveway entrance where we walked on our first date.....neither one of us had a car. I had only been living here a few months when we met...I had a one bedroom apt. right up the street. He tried to impress me by leapfrogging ove all the fire hydrants as we walked. How stupid is that to remember. Well...isn't it bizarre memories can be so vivid? So I look up toward to back corner of the park and I see a happy family bike riding. Greg in an infant carrier on Dad's bike, mom on hers and Joey all of 9, just mastering his skills. What the fuck happened?....I still can't quite put my finger on where everything just fell apart. When I was expected to DO everything and keep my mouth shut. Or when I went from waiting for him to get home in anticipation to waiting for him to get home so I could be a bitch and start a fight. Then he just stop coming home altogether. That's when I became a 'single' mother. When did that happy little boy laughing and bike riding become a sullen man, resentful of his parents and his brother. He's not always angry..but I see it..it hurts me...I feel responsible. He became a man way to soon. What could I have done...Left sooner or later?...Stayed? Quite the exercise in futility, playing 'what if'! I just keep trying to trod the course I've forged. Well...I'm back to my house and the memories here are different...dare I say it...lighter....Life just sneaks up and kicks ya evry so often, don't it?

Thursday, January 24, 2008

My 'BUCKET' list....LMAO!

I made this crazy list of things to do before I turned 40 and I did it all......or a reasonable adaptation of everything...so now I'm doing it again! Things to do 'fore I KICK THE BUCKET!

Have my Portrait painted. Maybe even NUDE...hahahaha!!

Throw a party and invite everyone I know....I mean everyone!

Go to an Olympic event.

Learn how to take a compliment.

Attend all the NASCAR races in a season!

Run away from home. Just disappear for like a week...no contact with anyone I know!

Send a message in a bottle.

Ride a camel in the desert.

Fall in love, really in love...hopelessly and unconditionally.

Ride the Orient Express.

Heckle the Senate.

Get a fan letter.

Take a shower in a waterfall!

Get a raise.

Have sex with a 'little' person. (for the NON-PC: midget)

Drive route 6 across the entire country, coast to coast.

Learn how to complain effectively.

Spend Christmas in the Caribbean drinking rum!

Dance in the moonlight on Mill Mountain..."Ain't even done with the night"...again!! and this time I'm holding out for first person I wanted!

Buy my Charger!

Owe nothing!

Feel appreciated by the people I love!

Move to VA and Live on my Moutain!

Well let's see what happens.....smooches

Monday, January 14, 2008


Put a gun to my head , won't you? I have injured no other but myself, yet you persist on aiming for my head, or is it my heart? You are my own special evil, without you how can I become me? Not a me that all will see, but the one buried deep down my soul, the one that I want to be...the one I hope you will see someday. For I still see nothing in those eyes but a joke, you don't think of me the way I want, a wasted world of dreams. I just wonder if I will survive you in my lifetime. So as I leave, please keep the barrel aimed dead on my head and your finger on the trigger, for the bullet may go around and come back straight into the empty void you call your heart. But it will kill me just the same, for I am you. I know that you are him and he is you...but remember I have always been just me...consistently ME... You knew that I would know. What I would do to get my past back without giving away where I am now, for it has made me stronger, yet I would still crumble at your feet. I hide it so well, that you could never tell,no one can...the private hell in which I dwell so beautifully. We were meant to be, I thought it. But my heart was never a part of you. You held it in well too. Maybe I've been just a pawn in your little game. But "I no longer enjoy it!" I have cried many tears for you, I have purged what's left of my soul for you, I have crossed borders to places I wish I had never gone. The past is true, the future is cruel, the present is where I am, but I have made it Limbo...where you and I are a lie. Maybe when the time comes you'll know that this was all for you somehow and you can find some appreciation for me if not affection.....but I think you will continue to live your own lie and to concede would be to admit what I have known all along,.......you loved me. at least once.

my memories.....

The true WORK of Christmas

When the song of the angels is stilled,
When the star in the sky is gone,
When the kings and the princes are home,
When the shepherds are back with their flocks,
The real work of Christmas begins:
To find the lost.
To heal the broken.
To feed the hungry.
To release the prisoner.
To build the nations.
To bring peace among brothers.
To make music in the heart.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

and so it begins.....

I have been jounalling for decades, since I was 12, and I have several friends who have been on blogger for a long while....so I have succumb.....and so it begins....besides I needed an example of what I can do for layout...hehehehehehe!! click on my orange 'breezewaywebdesigns' tag on the top to get to my site....smooches


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