Friday, January 25, 2008

Visiting the OTHER side of town...

It occurred to me that each place I've lived has been a different part of my life. My life in Va I was single, no babies and maybe again! Then I lived in south Taunton, married with 2 babies...now in north Taunton....and sometimes I'm not sure what I am. Alone alot, I guess.

I got up this morning to go drop my car off...I am one with my car...and the transmissions slips when it downshifts and I don't want it to get any worse. I am hard on automobiles. So I decide I will walk the 3 1/2 miles back home for exercise, fresh air and to exert some physical energy...wink wink! So I'm walking along listening to Betsy on my IPOD. I get to edge of Memorial Park...and suddenly despite the cold every nerve in my body is jumping and my eyes pool and my heart seizes in my chest. I have not been in this park for a decade...since 1999 anyways...since I moved to the house I live in now. Before we lived in a house 2 blocks from this park and I was here everyday. It's not a big park...I can stand on the walkway and see every corner of it. I look to my right. Once there was a rose trellis there....a million years ago it seems now.....I stood there with over a hundred of my friends and vowed to love a man forever...and he did the same....forever doesn't last too long sometimes. I can see my sister, laughing at me as tears roll down my face, but I am smiling....I was happy. Our guests wore everything from suits to shorts...it was a wild day. I turn my back on the memory as my eyes burn and my heart hurts. There to the left is a driveway entrance where we walked on our first date.....neither one of us had a car. I had only been living here a few months when we met...I had a one bedroom apt. right up the street. He tried to impress me by leapfrogging ove all the fire hydrants as we walked. How stupid is that to remember. Well...isn't it bizarre memories can be so vivid? So I look up toward to back corner of the park and I see a happy family bike riding. Greg in an infant carrier on Dad's bike, mom on hers and Joey all of 9, just mastering his skills. What the fuck happened?....I still can't quite put my finger on where everything just fell apart. When I was expected to DO everything and keep my mouth shut. Or when I went from waiting for him to get home in anticipation to waiting for him to get home so I could be a bitch and start a fight. Then he just stop coming home altogether. That's when I became a 'single' mother. When did that happy little boy laughing and bike riding become a sullen man, resentful of his parents and his brother. He's not always angry..but I see it..it hurts me...I feel responsible. He became a man way to soon. What could I have done...Left sooner or later?...Stayed? Quite the exercise in futility, playing 'what if'! I just keep trying to trod the course I've forged. Well...I'm back to my house and the memories here are different...dare I say it...lighter....Life just sneaks up and kicks ya evry so often, don't it?



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