Sunday, January 27, 2008

Happy NEW Year??

I have putting this off for about a week now..hoping against hope that this feeling would go away. No such luck! With the exception of the 5 days that I went into the witness protection program.......this year has just SUCKED so far. It started off very well...great New Year's Eve party at Neil's, I remember thinking at midnight...this is going be my year....8 is my lucky number...but was I wrong! I wanted to put the losses I've felt thru all of 2007 behind me and 'build a bridge and get the FUCK over it!!' I'm seem to be at that age where people I know are starting to die. That is almost easier to deal with than the ones who just ignore me. I got back 4 christmas cards as undeliverable...so I take that to mean...I moved..fuck you...I don't care enough about you to let you know where to send the card I get from you EVERY YEAR! Nice. ok...I'm whining...I really haven't been preserverating on it that much...but it hurt me. I'm still not doing so well with the boys just not needing me anymore...a mom with no one to mother is a sad thing to behold...my curse for raising such independent people...(Gregory suddenly doesn't want to discuss things with me)..so I'm left with these gaping holes in my life. Add in the losses I've suffered lately.....I still have not gotten over the shocking death of one of my dearest friends, Davey...everyday I miss him so much and I look for him everywhere. I found one of his socks and I just started crying.....He died on his birthday and I still haven't moved his present, it's right on my backseat of my car...I'm not sure what to do with it!! I was going to take it to him...I never got the chance. I think about all the damn presents I give all the time...why is this one sticking with me? I think I'll give to his brother Lou. It has really just magnified an ongoing problem I have.....that I want what I want and I WANT IT RIGHT NOW.....this theme just rears its ugly head all the time and I become so selfish....I know you all swear you don't see it but I do, and I know you do too...you just like to be nice to me!! So in 27 days...I've been to 2 funerals...in the same week...two friends of mine that I thought were in a very committed relationship have split up and being emotional support for one of them is killing me....16 years they were together and you know what I think on that subject...but watching G breaks my heart and makes me unpack my Samsonite....my oldest son is having some sort of issue and I can't help, he won't elaborate on what is going on...so I can't help him.....and that would be a character flaw...I FIX THINGS....I TAKE CARE OF PEOPLE....that's what I do.......then the frosting on the cake....I'm sick.....I mean I'm fucking sick...me and Boscoe have just been laying in bed......I missed Betsy at River Falls and the Pitcher's Pub....I have only been sitting upright for 20 minutes and I'm about to faint....I'm watching it snow thru the bay window in my kitchen...big flakes...like someone shaking a snowglobe...or better yet...an etch a sketch....erase it all and let me start all over.....hey I can dream can't I? Well anyway...now it's out....now it can get better!! Right??...right!!



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