Saturday, May 23, 2015

Memorial Day

Crazy random things, it is the craziest random things that get to me.  For over a decade, Joe and I hosted a memorial day cookout.  They were almost infamous among our friends and family.....we had food fights, trips to the ER, water balloon battles, 25 kids in the pool and who can forget the time the wind blew the canopy down the street or the year with the torrential rain and we had the cookout in the basement.  Thousands of pictures and millions of laughs.  We gathered together last year as best we could, our hearts broken and our souls in pain.  It will never be the same, seems like is anymore.
So, there will be no cookout this year....at least not here.  I am going to one of our friends who decided that they would have a little cookout.  So I don't have to cook all weekend, Joe is not prepping the pool nor primping the yard, hanging bunting on the deck, nor buying new flags for the front of the house....there will be no laughter here.  But we laugh and we will love and we will remember him and he will live on in our hearts.
So the randomness....most days I feel like I have a huge ice block in my chest where my heart used to be.  oh I smile, I laugh, I sing, I dance and I care, I even love...but inside I still feel dead.......until that dreaded moment when my heart bursts within my chest and a million tears fill my soul and erupt out of me.  I collapse to my knees and can't even breathe.  luckily enough, the only witnesses to this is ususally my dogs.
Today it was making deviled eggs for the cookout.  I decided to make to them and I was fine with that.  I started them to boil, I peeled them and separated the yolk, I got out the egg plate.  I prepared the filling and it happened.  Suddenly my heart exploded because he was not here to taste it and tell how to adjust it....what did it need more of.....the damn eggs are fine....but I need you.....I may never recover from the randomness of this whole scenario....I know these feelings and these random episodes are are becoming less frequent but somehow more intense.  I guess I am saving them up, making them more efficient or I am getting better at self medicating with alcohol and running thru my life at break neck speed to hold them off.  There is nothing more ridiculous than needing to move on and wanting to stay right where you are.  I have forced myself out of my comfort zone to a zone where there is almost no comfort at all.....at least not the 'comfort' I had known..I have made new friends, found new activities all while relying so heavily on my inner circle.  Those poor souls who love me and try to guide me and be supportive at the same time. No small feat. 
So.....I am spewing my grief out into my blog because as it is is with flatulence and gastric disturbances.....better out than it......it festers inside,  


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