Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Just thinking....

I'm in one of those moods. I was talking to my friend Gary tonight. I love him and I so wish I could touch him and take the bitterness out of his heart but the sad truth is that it is a bitterness borne out of love. I have been there and I may very well be there again. Such is the risk. It is...a giant risk when you love someone, not just a romantic partner but as friends. I learned that lesson this week although in reality it was over a year ago, I just didn't want to accept it. Just like my Gary. One would think that when you love someone, be it friend, family or something other, that there is a responsible to each other. Not like you love them so they owe you, more like I have exposed my soul to you so please don't hurt me. I have made it known to everyone who knows me, that I wear my heart on my sleeve, irregardless of my bravado or brashness. That would be a cover for my hurt...
I have a friend, I would and have done anything for.......all they need do was ask and I responded, I never missed an occasion in their life, and I supported them as a friend should. I never expected anything from this person but to be my friend in return. But I may have expected too much, I expected to be treated with dignity, I expected to be treated courteously, I expected my friend to be truthful, I expected my friend to not hurt my feelings.....so I expected too much. More than obviously they could give me. I can only blame myself, my own poor judgment of character...
The depth of sadness in my heart is unfathomable, I am truly heartbroken. I feel betrayed, like when I needed my friend to fight for me, I just wasn't worth it to them. That is a hard thing to swallow. That is why I can't be upset with my Gary, he can stay as heartbroken as he wants. I just listen to him when his heart screams out...maybe it will drown out my own.

Monday, November 10, 2008

I'm mad, scared, confused, aggravated...pick an adjective....

First...it's Veteran's Day tomorrow and with a son and tons of family in the military and a family full of veterans, as well as special friends :)....go HUG A VET! and if you really want to celebrate them...ask them to tell you a story about when they served....they are a hoot!

Well, No more waiting…..I have to have surgery. So I am rearranging my life to accommodate this intrusion. I have had to cancel some plans because I’m unsure of what the aftermath will be. Funny though, I have always hated Christmas and this year I’m really going to hate it. We discussed it and decided to cancel the wedding too...not really cancel, postpone. Just as well, I couldn't get any of my family to come to it...just like the first one! I am really pissed off, so I shouldn't talk about family. Maybe its because I’m older, or maybe because I’ve been here before but I’m not feeling as optimistic as I probably have in the past. Funny, when I was younger, nothing really fazed me. Now the thought of surgery is really scary to me. I appreciate my life so much more and the thought of it been interrupted when everything seems so right, is going my way, is jarring me to the bone. When I am on the verge of getting everything I worked so hard for, it is daunting and it is ludicrous at the same time. I am reminded of a conversation a long time ago with my friend Pam. Pam and her husband, Paul had separated for a time, almost two years. This was about 20 years ago, but I was just talking to Pam about it a week or so ago. I found it a heart-breaking situation because I loved both of them. Paul once made the most incredible gesture to me. The morning that my father called my work to tell me that my mother was dying, Paul answered the phone, came to get me and literally caught me as I hit the floor. Then after I cried in his arms, he gave me his American Express card and told me to go charter a plane to get my sister and me to VA as fast as possible. I refused him. But I have NEVER forgotten that gesture. It is one act of kindness that I have always tried to ’pay forward.’ His wife Pam is an awesome person, a nurse and mother to five. They had just got suffocated with marital responsibilities and separated. But as fate would have it, they finally came to see that they belonged together and reunited. Within a month, Pam was rejoicing as they were expecting their second child. It seemed to fulfill a destiny. Pam nearly glowed with happiness from inside and out. Then she got very sick. She was diagnosed with a genetic kidney aliment. Her kidneys were shutting down and the prognosis was the surgery would most likely end her pregnancy, but the doctors were unsure if she could hold off. I sat and listened to her thinking out loud….she wanted to have everything straight in her head to allow her and Paul to make an informed decision. She suddenly burst into tears. I asked her if she was all right and she screamed NO! I have everything the way I want it and I might lose it…What could I do for her?…I had no answers for her and could only offer comfort. She did hold off and had the baby. It was difficult but she became stable and went on to have 3 more babies…each a little scary, but she did it, watching her kidney status very closely each time. I have often thought. Why is life like this? Why is it always a trial? Why to get to what you have dreamed about you have to endure something or work your ass off to achieve. I’m not sure I’m buying the whole line of thinking that it is to appreciate it more. Maybe I bought it for the first couple of times, but at some point you think it would be a mute point: Lesson Learned. I appreciate everything and that comes from having nothing, and I mean nothing, in my life ever being easy. Nothing goes my way, nice and easy the first time…I have just gotten really good at making it LOOK that way. Sometimes I even catch myself resenting the people who everything seems to come to them with no obstacles. Then I remember it is just the way things are for me and has nothing to do with them. So I have to believe that this is just a speed bump on my life’s path and that everything will get back on course as soon as I can regain command of it. In the meantime, I have to do what I do least well of all the skills I have…..wait and then recover. I have the patience of the proverbial snake that I hate so much….Oh just for the record….most of the people that I think get things handed to them…..usually have their own set of trials to endure…I'm just self centered. :)

Sunday, November 2, 2008

time for a lil update.....

What a week! I have been flat out. Here's some highlights:
Doctor's appointment on Monday...waiting....Tuesday was basically a wash out...all stress, no productivity. Wednesday I had an 8 hour argument...from 8:45 am until 5:10 pm and then my car had coolant issues which required major repair.
Thursday-A daytrip to Salem MA for a witch trial...not my own! Had to take the truck cause my car was in the shop. Some crazy psychic lady made me cry...twice! The truth hurts, really.
Friday...a halloween party...Saturday, I had to catch up on something from work, then out with my honey to see Betsy rock the house at the Lafayette House....ok that night was good...VERY GOOD wink wink! but then...I always think of Sunday as a day of rest...HA! Started at 7:45 am when my father called to tell me that he was going to take the trackhoe and dig up my mother, whose been dead for 2o years and move her. Dad could ya let me wake up first? So I have to crawl out of my comfy warm bed, snuggled in loving arms to listen to him scream for an hour. Tell me again how blest I am! So I finally get my dad calmed down.and I told him if he moves her to tell me where...I do want to be buried by her!...then I got to enjoy a cup of coffee and out comes the love of my life to start with me. Well let me re-phase that...the man I thought was the love of my life.....hehehehe....relationships SUCK! So I sent him packing, oh not for good...but for a long while :) and I sat down to write two more papers. Seems this rotation of classes I am in requires that every other week I have a paper due in both classes and try as I might....I can not get started on them early. So I write first about a law and how I think it will impact service delivery then I write out a program evaluation plan on a made up scenario about a youth symphony....the first paper I finished at noon...the second I started at 4 and just finished before I started this....so that is that....Mi Vida Loca....oh did I mention that I gotta go back tomorrow and finish the 8 hour argument? God gimme strength!
Oh a sidebar...my buddy Kells sent out this survey thing that I in turn forwarded...for lack of anything else better to do...and who responds.....one of my bestest friends from middle school...and better yet....he knows everything about me....now that is a blessing....I love you Mark!


Free Web Hit Counters
Rent DVDs Online