Monday, November 10, 2008

I'm mad, scared, confused, aggravated...pick an adjective....

First...it's Veteran's Day tomorrow and with a son and tons of family in the military and a family full of veterans, as well as special friends :)....go HUG A VET! and if you really want to celebrate them...ask them to tell you a story about when they served....they are a hoot!

Well, No more waiting…..I have to have surgery. So I am rearranging my life to accommodate this intrusion. I have had to cancel some plans because I’m unsure of what the aftermath will be. Funny though, I have always hated Christmas and this year I’m really going to hate it. We discussed it and decided to cancel the wedding too...not really cancel, postpone. Just as well, I couldn't get any of my family to come to it...just like the first one! I am really pissed off, so I shouldn't talk about family. Maybe its because I’m older, or maybe because I’ve been here before but I’m not feeling as optimistic as I probably have in the past. Funny, when I was younger, nothing really fazed me. Now the thought of surgery is really scary to me. I appreciate my life so much more and the thought of it been interrupted when everything seems so right, is going my way, is jarring me to the bone. When I am on the verge of getting everything I worked so hard for, it is daunting and it is ludicrous at the same time. I am reminded of a conversation a long time ago with my friend Pam. Pam and her husband, Paul had separated for a time, almost two years. This was about 20 years ago, but I was just talking to Pam about it a week or so ago. I found it a heart-breaking situation because I loved both of them. Paul once made the most incredible gesture to me. The morning that my father called my work to tell me that my mother was dying, Paul answered the phone, came to get me and literally caught me as I hit the floor. Then after I cried in his arms, he gave me his American Express card and told me to go charter a plane to get my sister and me to VA as fast as possible. I refused him. But I have NEVER forgotten that gesture. It is one act of kindness that I have always tried to ’pay forward.’ His wife Pam is an awesome person, a nurse and mother to five. They had just got suffocated with marital responsibilities and separated. But as fate would have it, they finally came to see that they belonged together and reunited. Within a month, Pam was rejoicing as they were expecting their second child. It seemed to fulfill a destiny. Pam nearly glowed with happiness from inside and out. Then she got very sick. She was diagnosed with a genetic kidney aliment. Her kidneys were shutting down and the prognosis was the surgery would most likely end her pregnancy, but the doctors were unsure if she could hold off. I sat and listened to her thinking out loud….she wanted to have everything straight in her head to allow her and Paul to make an informed decision. She suddenly burst into tears. I asked her if she was all right and she screamed NO! I have everything the way I want it and I might lose it…What could I do for her?…I had no answers for her and could only offer comfort. She did hold off and had the baby. It was difficult but she became stable and went on to have 3 more babies…each a little scary, but she did it, watching her kidney status very closely each time. I have often thought. Why is life like this? Why is it always a trial? Why to get to what you have dreamed about you have to endure something or work your ass off to achieve. I’m not sure I’m buying the whole line of thinking that it is to appreciate it more. Maybe I bought it for the first couple of times, but at some point you think it would be a mute point: Lesson Learned. I appreciate everything and that comes from having nothing, and I mean nothing, in my life ever being easy. Nothing goes my way, nice and easy the first time…I have just gotten really good at making it LOOK that way. Sometimes I even catch myself resenting the people who everything seems to come to them with no obstacles. Then I remember it is just the way things are for me and has nothing to do with them. So I have to believe that this is just a speed bump on my life’s path and that everything will get back on course as soon as I can regain command of it. In the meantime, I have to do what I do least well of all the skills I have…..wait and then recover. I have the patience of the proverbial snake that I hate so much….Oh just for the record….most of the people that I think get things handed to them…..usually have their own set of trials to endure…I'm just self centered. :)


KellySawtelle said...

When are you having the surgery????? Well I don't need to tell you if you need ANYTHING let me know!!!


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