Just thinking....

I'm in one of those moods. I was talking to my friend Gary tonight. I love him and I so wish I could touch him and take the bitterness out of his heart but the sad truth is that it is a bitterness borne out of love. I have been there and I may very well be there again. Such is the risk. It is...a giant risk when you love someone, not just a romantic partner but as friends. I learned that lesson this week although in reality it was over a year ago, I just didn't want to accept it. Just like my Gary. One would think that when you love someone, be it friend, family or something other, that there is a responsible to each other. Not like you love them so they owe you, more like I have exposed my soul to you so please don't hurt me. I have made it known to everyone who knows me, that I wear my heart on my sleeve, irregardless of my bravado or brashness. That would be a cover for my hurt...
I have a friend, I would and have done anything for.......all they need do was ask and I responded, I never missed an occasion in their life, and I supported them as a friend should. I never expected anything from this person but to be my friend in return. But I may have expected too much, I expected to be treated with dignity, I expected to be treated courteously, I expected my friend to be truthful, I expected my friend to not hurt my feelings.....so I expected too much. More than obviously they could give me. I can only blame myself, my own poor judgment of character...
The depth of sadness in my heart is unfathomable, I am truly heartbroken. I feel betrayed, like when I needed my friend to fight for me, I just wasn't worth it to them. That is a hard thing to swallow. That is why I can't be upset with my Gary, he can stay as heartbroken as he wants. I just listen to him when his heart screams out...maybe it will drown out my own.

I'm mad, scared, confused, aggravated...pick an adjective....

First...it's Veteran's Day tomorrow and with a son and tons of family in the military and a family full of veterans, as well as special friends :)....go HUG A VET! and if you really want to celebrate them...ask them to tell you a story about when they served....they are a hoot!

Well, No more waiting…..I have to have surgery. So I am rearranging my life to accommodate this intrusion. I have had to cancel some plans because I’m unsure of what the aftermath will be. Funny though, I have always hated Christmas and this year I’m really going to hate it. We discussed it and decided to cancel the wedding too...not really cancel, postpone. Just as well, I couldn't get any of my family to come to it...just like the first one! I am really pissed off, so I shouldn't talk about family. Maybe its because I’m older, or maybe because I’ve been here before but I’m not feeling as optimistic as I probably have in the past. Funny, when I was younger, nothing really fazed me. Now the thought of surgery is really scary to me. I appreciate my life so much more and the thought of it been interrupted when everything seems so right, is going my way, is jarring me to the bone. When I am on the verge of getting everything I worked so hard for, it is daunting and it is ludicrous at the same time. I am reminded of a conversation a long time ago with my friend Pam. Pam and her husband, Paul had separated for a time, almost two years. This was about 20 years ago, but I was just talking to Pam about it a week or so ago. I found it a heart-breaking situation because I loved both of them. Paul once made the most incredible gesture to me. The morning that my father called my work to tell me that my mother was dying, Paul answered the phone, came to get me and literally caught me as I hit the floor. Then after I cried in his arms, he gave me his American Express card and told me to go charter a plane to get my sister and me to VA as fast as possible. I refused him. But I have NEVER forgotten that gesture. It is one act of kindness that I have always tried to ’pay forward.’ His wife Pam is an awesome person, a nurse and mother to five. They had just got suffocated with marital responsibilities and separated. But as fate would have it, they finally came to see that they belonged together and reunited. Within a month, Pam was rejoicing as they were expecting their second child. It seemed to fulfill a destiny. Pam nearly glowed with happiness from inside and out. Then she got very sick. She was diagnosed with a genetic kidney aliment. Her kidneys were shutting down and the prognosis was the surgery would most likely end her pregnancy, but the doctors were unsure if she could hold off. I sat and listened to her thinking out loud….she wanted to have everything straight in her head to allow her and Paul to make an informed decision. She suddenly burst into tears. I asked her if she was all right and she screamed NO! I have everything the way I want it and I might lose it…What could I do for her?…I had no answers for her and could only offer comfort. She did hold off and had the baby. It was difficult but she became stable and went on to have 3 more babies…each a little scary, but she did it, watching her kidney status very closely each time. I have often thought. Why is life like this? Why is it always a trial? Why to get to what you have dreamed about you have to endure something or work your ass off to achieve. I’m not sure I’m buying the whole line of thinking that it is to appreciate it more. Maybe I bought it for the first couple of times, but at some point you think it would be a mute point: Lesson Learned. I appreciate everything and that comes from having nothing, and I mean nothing, in my life ever being easy. Nothing goes my way, nice and easy the first time…I have just gotten really good at making it LOOK that way. Sometimes I even catch myself resenting the people who everything seems to come to them with no obstacles. Then I remember it is just the way things are for me and has nothing to do with them. So I have to believe that this is just a speed bump on my life’s path and that everything will get back on course as soon as I can regain command of it. In the meantime, I have to do what I do least well of all the skills I have…..wait and then recover. I have the patience of the proverbial snake that I hate so much….Oh just for the record….most of the people that I think get things handed to them…..usually have their own set of trials to endure…I'm just self centered. :)

time for a lil update.....

What a week! I have been flat out. Here's some highlights:
Doctor's appointment on Monday...waiting....Tuesday was basically a wash out...all stress, no productivity. Wednesday I had an 8 hour argument...from 8:45 am until 5:10 pm and then my car had coolant issues which required major repair.
Thursday-A daytrip to Salem MA for a witch trial...not my own! Had to take the truck cause my car was in the shop. Some crazy psychic lady made me cry...twice! The truth hurts, really.
Friday...a halloween party...Saturday, I had to catch up on something from work, then out with my honey to see Betsy rock the house at the Lafayette House....ok that night was good...VERY GOOD wink wink! but then...I always think of Sunday as a day of rest...HA! Started at 7:45 am when my father called to tell me that he was going to take the trackhoe and dig up my mother, whose been dead for 2o years and move her. Dad could ya let me wake up first? So I have to crawl out of my comfy warm bed, snuggled in loving arms to listen to him scream for an hour. Tell me again how blest I am! So I finally get my dad calmed down.and I told him if he moves her to tell me where...I do want to be buried by her!...then I got to enjoy a cup of coffee and out comes the love of my life to start with me. Well let me re-phase that...the man I thought was the love of my life.....hehehehe....relationships SUCK! So I sent him packing, oh not for good...but for a long while :) and I sat down to write two more papers. Seems this rotation of classes I am in requires that every other week I have a paper due in both classes and try as I might....I can not get started on them early. So I write first about a law and how I think it will impact service delivery then I write out a program evaluation plan on a made up scenario about a youth symphony....the first paper I finished at noon...the second I started at 4 and just finished before I started this....so that is that....Mi Vida Loca....oh did I mention that I gotta go back tomorrow and finish the 8 hour argument? God gimme strength!
Oh a sidebar...my buddy Kells sent out this survey thing that I in turn forwarded...for lack of anything else better to do...and who responds.....one of my bestest friends from middle school...and better yet....he knows everything about me....now that is a blessing....I love you Mark!

I am a GREAT me!

Take a look at this picture...I am always doing goofy stuff with my photoshop. Can you see what I did? Nothing spectatular....I just think I like it better this way.

I am in a very strange place...viewing the world with eyes that are deceptive....





I just have to get some stuff off my chest…and please don’t read anything into what I’m babbling about. It’s mostly therapy for myself…although if you do recognize something about you in my diatribe and it makes you want to change a behavior, then by all means…it’s about you. HAHAHA….ok that makes my PMP* So, basically I have no one to tell all the inane crap that spews from my head so…guess what? Here it is….I have been in some of the most bizarre relationships. The most obvious term to use is one sided relationships…I give and give and I get taken. Not the least of which was my marriage…I’m not finger pointing and in all reality I know I was a bitch with a capital B. But if I learned nothing else….it was about energy…like E=MC2…you get out of it what you put in to it. I used to laugh when my husband cheated on me. He would spend several hours online picking the slut of the week. Then, he would send her flowers and special trinkets and wine and dine her. Tell her this incredible story about an uncaring wife and children. While I sat at home, alone, wishing he would pay a minute’s attention to me. If he brought me a happy meal toy, I would have done anything he wanted. I tried almost everything he ever suggested. In the end, he said it was because he knew he could have me anytime. So basically he said I was not worth the effort. But at the same time, when I threatened to leave, he would be good. He would even tell me that I was the best he could ever hope to have. I fought and fought myself for years…denying myself and denying who I am. What I need….I wouldn’t ever go back. I don’t need any grand gesture….I want to trust….trust for me is knowing how the other person is going to respond. As a result I decided that I had to be totally and completely honest with my significant other. If we are to truly have a future then he must know and accept everything and vice versa. This is sharing my secrets and to be totally accepted. Now I’m afraid, I’ve given him a weapon…so does he protect me with it or make me bleed. I just don’t want him to think I am someone I am not…been there…I want to be ‘me’…I am a GREAT me. And at the end of the day…I have had loved ones carve me up. Guess what happens the next day…The sun comes up again.

*pissing my pants

Catching up....

Doesn't this picture make you want to break into a rousing rendition of 'Going to the Chapel!"? I couldn't resist...as I have intimated the only thing worse than me being a jaded crone is me as a fool in love. So let's catch up.....physically...I am miserable....I have been running my ass off and in between dealing with this leg. I have had this reoccurring pain in my right leg since June and have had at least four doctors look at it...an orthropedic, a vascular surgeon, the house doctor at camp, and my personal physician. I had an ultrasound and a MRI....final answer is...for all you anatomy freaks...I recieved a blunt force trauma to my calf...an electric wheelchair full force into me....and the resulting bruising cause a build of fluid in my calf....now it swell...then it subsides....and of course the major consensus is all I need to do is stay off my feet for a few days...WHICH IS NOT GONNA HAPPEN! In the past month alone, I have been all over the New England....I was in Maine, then I was in New York and there is barely an inch of Massachusetts, RI and CT that I have not been through so when am I suppose to stay off it? yup, when I'm dead! so I have to tell you about upstate NY....I did not want to come back....we stayed in a cabin...the night sky was so loaded with stars.....the love, the friendship, the comfort...I wish that you each could know such peace. We went out kayaking on Lake Vanare.and had an fabulous dinner Saturday Night..It was an awesome time....the Lake George/Adirondacks area is breathtaking. I miss you all aready...Audrey, Charlie, Derek, Emma, Peter, Greta, Robbie...my Virginia Tech friend....Dan and of course Jill and Mike.

I have been thinking about something lately. Someone asks me at least once a week, why I do what I do...how can I face people everyday with disabilities? Is it depressing? How do I cope? Every person on this planet faces some sort of challenge every day...so the people I call my friends have challenges that you can see a mile away. I almost wrote that they are like everyone else....but they aren't.....'normal' people judge....'normal' people think you have a motive.....'normal' people think you're weird. I have friends who love me for who I am....laugh at me and laugh with me.....they are always glad to see me, even if I'm not wearing designer clothes...they don't find it odd that I hug them and tell them I love them, everytime I see them...they accept me for who I am....odd and all! That is a blessing in this life....to not have your feeling rejected. I will admit however, it have made me worse with 'normal' people....they aren't quite sure how to react when I grab them and hug them....or I get ackward silences sometimes when I say I love you...but the good news appears to be that they are getting used to it....well most of them.

I'm going post of a ton of pictures on MySpace and FaceBook if anyone's interested.... pictures from NY, around Boston, the horses...etc.

I love you Boob!...nope didn't mispell Bob...I meant Boob! hehehe! The next year of our lives is going be fantabulous! I promise with all my heart!

See ya round....smooches

I've created a monster.....

I'm joking! My buddy Artemis wants a better picture and I gotta tell ewes guys this story.

As you are all aware, I like to take a life break in late April. I always take 3 or 4 weeks off beginning the middle of April into May. My Birthday is April 28th and as a present to myself I do what I want for a while. It started out as a week off and that just didn't seem like enough for me...so I stretch it out. This past April I was off for a month. I do all sorts of stuff, just no work. Well, not my regular jobs...I want things to be different. I go to Virginia, badger everyone I know there....and partake in a little self awareness and reconnecting with who I am. Ok, I'm rambling...The point being I was not around much this past April. So I was sitting and talking to Artemis and we got this new computer program that is incorporated into her master program. It basically allows standard responses to be set to icons so that it can be accessed quickly. This will be handy for her as people are always asking her the same questions over and over, but we have to reprogram the responses or change the questions....tweak it if you will. So the first one...What is your name? and it says TODD. We both cracked up laughing..but I told her from now on I'm calling her TODD. Then she hits...My birthday is...and it says June 18th...I asked..is that your birthday? She can answer yes or no questions with her eyes...closing them means yes...rolling them up is no...she said no. so I said when is your birthday...Jan...up...no...Feb....up...no.....March...no....April...she squeezes them tight...YES..I get a feeling in my stomach...because I feel so close to her.....I said...Is your birthday the 28th and she said YES.....and I started to laugh....I go over to grab my purse and I pull out my license and hold where she can see it and she HOWLS.... Her Mother was folding clothes and walks over to see why we are cracking up and I said...'Artemis and I have the same birthday'.....she says....OMG....you two are giving me goosebumps.....I tell Artemis that we are PEAS.....two peas in a pod....she is smiling....and she wants me to take her pic while she is happy...so here she is....LY....always...g/f.

Artemis....Goddess of the Hunt...

(ok first.........I have been flat out.....between being incredible busy....I have this pulled thing in my leg and I've been limping FOREVER. Kelly and Linda thought they were gonna have to amputate it last Friday night. My dear Kelly...sweet Kelly....First I have her critiquing wedding dresses in my office and then I have her in the North End at the Feast of St. Anthony watching me grimmace with every step......what a trooper! Thanks to Nikki and Linda for meeting us there!)

Now...I have to tell this story....

About a year ago, I got a phone call from a vendor about consulting on a case with a young woman....27 years old.....graduated valedictorian of her high school class at DR....graduated Magna Cum Laude from Yale University....a year from her PhD....language expert, comparative Lit major...this girl speaks 7 languages. She had gone to Serra Leone to document atrocities from civil unrest. She had a plan, she calls it the 'Vision.' So my new friend, she was in a horrific accident in Serra Leone....she broke bones, she suffered nerve damage, she was O2 deprived, she was in a coma for over a month.

She awoke...and couldn't breathe on her own, she couldn't eat, she couldn't move. But she can still think....she can still smile and she can still love......so the work began....it was hard work....

This incredible mind is now trapped in this nearly lifeless body....she breathes on her own, she eats, she talks to me with her computer. We have shared some incredible conversations.

It has been an awesome experience for someone like me, who feels sorry for myself. I spend 5 minutes with her and I can't.

She tells me stories and then tells me to get over it!

She once told me the story of William. He loved her, she thought she loved him. She got the opportunity to go to Serra Leone, he didn't want her to go...he asked her to marry him. She said no. She told me if she could stand up and walk by herself, she would go to him right now and tell him she loves him and will he marry her. She doesn't cry....but she said I lost the one I love and he will never love me now. Then she told me, you have everything yet you hold it off for fear of being hurt or let down, you live in the same place I do, but I have an excuse. Bitch! and she laughs.

Sometimes she asks me why, I don't know but I have to believe God put you here for a reason, you thought it was for the 'Vision' but maybe this is part of it and He just hasn't shown us what the next part is.

Her brother told me that it was a blessing the day I walked into their home, that she needed me....oh yes it was a blessing.....but I think I was one who was blessed....meet my friend.....then and now.....and there....are ya happy now?... a whole blog just about you...read it and enjoy....I love you, Artemis....