Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I am a GREAT me!

Take a look at this picture...I am always doing goofy stuff with my photoshop. Can you see what I did? Nothing spectatular....I just think I like it better this way.

I am in a very strange place...viewing the world with eyes that are deceptive....

I just have to get some stuff off my chest…and please don’t read anything into what I’m babbling about. It’s mostly therapy for myself…although if you do recognize something about you in my diatribe and it makes you want to change a behavior, then by all means…it’s about you. HAHAHA….ok that makes my PMP* So, basically I have no one to tell all the inane crap that spews from my head so…guess what? Here it is….I have been in some of the most bizarre relationships. The most obvious term to use is one sided relationships…I give and give and I get taken. Not the least of which was my marriage…I’m not finger pointing and in all reality I know I was a bitch with a capital B. But if I learned nothing else….it was about energy…like E=MC2…you get out of it what you put in to it. I used to laugh when my husband cheated on me. He would spend several hours online picking the slut of the week. Then, he would send her flowers and special trinkets and wine and dine her. Tell her this incredible story about an uncaring wife and children. While I sat at home, alone, wishing he would pay a minute’s attention to me. If he brought me a happy meal toy, I would have done anything he wanted. I tried almost everything he ever suggested. In the end, he said it was because he knew he could have me anytime. So basically he said I was not worth the effort. But at the same time, when I threatened to leave, he would be good. He would even tell me that I was the best he could ever hope to have. I fought and fought myself for years…denying myself and denying who I am. What I need….I wouldn’t ever go back. I don’t need any grand gesture….I want to trust….trust for me is knowing how the other person is going to respond. As a result I decided that I had to be totally and completely honest with my significant other. If we are to truly have a future then he must know and accept everything and vice versa. This is sharing my secrets and to be totally accepted. Now I’m afraid, I’ve given him a weapon…so does he protect me with it or make me bleed. I just don’t want him to think I am someone I am not…been there…I want to be ‘me’…I am a GREAT me. And at the end of the day…I have had loved ones carve me up. Guess what happens the next day…The sun comes up again.

*pissing my pants


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