Sunday, March 23, 2008

I wanna be beautiful....

I want to be beautiful.
Make you stand in awe.
Look inside my heart, and be amazed!
I want to hear you say.....
Who I am is quite enough.
Just want to be worthy of love
And feel beautiful.

You make me feel beautiful.
You make me stand in awe.
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed!
I love to hear You say...
Who I am is quite enough.
You make me worthy of love and feel beautiful .

~Bethany Dillion
lyrics of 'Beautiful'

Saturday, March 22, 2008

My toast!

'Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with.’
Guess what? It’s toast time! This past year can only be defined by me as a year of loss. It actually started a little more than a year ago and it’s been like the domino effect. Last week as I wrote another eulogy for someone that I just loved, I fell back to my ‘It’s a wonderful life’ principal. I have 3 basic tenets that I rely upon to counteract my initial evil response….I know you‘ve all seen my EVIL!! But I have the ‘Golden Rule‘…that would be the ‘Do unto others’ one, the second one is ‘Shit happens for a reason’ or ‘ if a door closes then a window opens’ and the ’Wonderful Life’ principal which states, ’ you impact lives, positively or negatively is up to you!’ That’s why in the eulogy I said that I no longer mourn that I never got to say goodbye, I celebrate the chance I got to say hello. So in keeping in this vein…..I fool myself into thinking that I am a strong independent woman, who must face adversities alone, and nothing could be farther from the truth. I have faith in myself, not only on days when everything is going great and I’m winning and nothing seems impossible! But on days when the whole world looks lousyand I'm losing! The road ahead seems too hard and everyone I meet takes a swing at me. I find myself wondering if I'm brave enough, smart enough and should I even try.But no matter how many people discourage me…doubt me…laugh at me…think me a fool…and don't let me listen.I keep hearing another voice echoing mine and telling me,'You can do it and you will! You’re better than that!” And that would be you, my friends, at my back, whispering in my ear.If I think that nobody else in this world gives a darn or believes in me, and all I have is myself.Or the times when I doubt my own abilities, and I’m discouraged and on the verge of despair,And I’m trying hard to hang onto me. I turn to see one of you there with a pat on the back, a hug, a word.I don’t want to quit, not ever. It’s not in me! And besides I know…You’ll never let me.So……I raise my glass…to toast you all!!To the ones I can call and say…‘ya wanna do lunch in 5 minutes? I need to talk.’ And you drop everything to be there for me. to the one I can't be on the phone with for less than an hour EVERYTIME we talk...even if it was five minutes since we hung up!!! To the one who answers every one of my goofy email with a response telling me how ‘deep’ I am…I’m such a loser I never get tired of it! Hehehe! Thanks! To the ones who know that my heart is dangling on my sleeve and you never take a jab at it! To the ones who welcomed me onto their home and family for a weekend and made me feel as if I had always belonged there. To the one who always greets me....Hi Beautiful! to the ones who make me worry about them...cause I know they would be worrying about me! To the ones who try and beat me to say 'I love you' first. To the ones who challenge me to raise my own personal standards. To the ones who think I’m a QUEEN when I feel most like the court jester. To the poor dears who now must occupy my space and listen to all my ISSUES, rants, tirades and soliloquies. You are good sports to know that I will be back to NORMAL as soon as I vent. Finally to the members of my family…both by blood and by my usurping you by imminent domain into my family…..I love you…I talk to you even when you not here. I treasure your role in my life, past, present and future. I wish I could be a bigger part of your lives and that you could be a bigger part of mine….but such is life. Know that I miss you.Because of you, my friends, I venture out to overcome my fear of rejection. I have gained strength and fear being hurt less and less or maybe I just feel more capable to face the hurt. I am coming to terms with the changing relationships with my sons and not feeling so LEFT OUT. Well, finally to the ones who emailed me this morning….nearly panicked…because my toast was not in their inbox when they awoke this morning…..now that makes me feel loved….I have the best support system a brash, loud, sassy Southern born lass could have ever dreamt of, in even her wildest dreams!Happy St. Patrick’s Day……have one for me! Or join me…..I think I found the perfect place in Boston...reeking of beer and history!…. SMOOCHES

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

How my mind works!

I sat down to write some reflections that I am going to give as a eulogy at a memorial service next week and guess what......it morphed into my St. Patrick's day toast.....:) Ewes guys wil love it! (I hope!)


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