It occurred to me that each place I've lived has been a different part of my life. My life in Va I was single, no babies and maybe again! Then I lived in south Taunton, married with 2 babies...now in north Taunton....and sometimes I'm not sure what I am. Alone alot, I guess.
I got up this morning to go drop my car off...I am one with my car...and the transmissions slips when it downshifts and I don't want it to get any worse. I am hard on automobiles. So I decide I will walk the 3 1/2 miles back home for exercise, fresh air and to exert some physical energy...wink wink! So I'm walking along listening to Betsy on my IPOD. I get to edge of Memorial Park...and suddenly despite the cold every nerve in my body is jumping and my eyes pool and my heart seizes in my chest. I have not been in this park for a decade...since 1999 anyways...since I moved to the house I live in now. Before we lived in a house 2 blocks from this park and I was here everyday. It's not a big park...I can stand on the walkway and see every corner of it. I look to my right. Once there was a rose trellis there....a million years ago it seems now.....I stood there with over a hundred of my friends and vowed to love a man forever...and he did the same....forever doesn't last too long sometimes. I can see my sister, laughing at me as tears roll down my face, but I am smiling....I was happy. Our guests wore everything from suits to shorts...it was a wild day. I turn my back on the memory as my eyes burn and my heart hurts. There to the left is a driveway entrance where we walked on our first date.....neither one of us had a car. I had only been living here a few months when we met...I had a one bedroom apt. right up the street. He tried to impress me by leapfrogging ove all the fire hydrants as we walked. How stupid is that to remember. Well...isn't it bizarre memories can be so vivid? So I look up toward to back corner of the park and I see a happy family bike riding. Greg in an infant carrier on Dad's bike, mom on hers and Joey all of 9, just mastering his skills. What the fuck happened?....I still can't quite put my finger on where everything just fell apart. When I was expected to DO everything and keep my mouth shut. Or when I went from waiting for him to get home in anticipation to waiting for him to get home so I could be a bitch and start a fight. Then he just stop coming home altogether. That's when I became a 'single' mother. When did that happy little boy laughing and bike riding become a sullen man, resentful of his parents and his brother. He's not always angry..but I see it..it hurts me...I feel responsible. He became a man way to soon. What could I have done...Left sooner or later?...Stayed? Quite the exercise in futility, playing 'what if'! I just keep trying to trod the course I've forged. Well...I'm back to my house and the memories here are different...dare I say it...lighter....Life just sneaks up and kicks ya evry so often, don't it?
Friday, January 25, 2008
Visiting the OTHER side of town...
Thursday, January 24, 2008
My 'BUCKET' list....LMAO!
I made this crazy list of things to do before I turned 40 and I did it all......or a reasonable adaptation of everything...so now I'm doing it again! Things to do 'fore I KICK THE BUCKET!
Have my Portrait painted. Maybe even NUDE...hahahaha!!
Throw a party and invite everyone I know....I mean everyone!
Go to an Olympic event.
Learn how to take a compliment.
Attend all the NASCAR races in a season!
Run away from home. Just disappear for like a week...no contact with anyone I know!
Send a message in a bottle.
Ride a camel in the desert.
Fall in love, really in love...hopelessly and unconditionally.
Ride the Orient Express.
Heckle the Senate.
Get a fan letter.
Take a shower in a waterfall!
Get a raise.
Have sex with a 'little' person. (for the NON-PC: midget)
Drive route 6 across the entire country, coast to coast.
Learn how to complain effectively.
Spend Christmas in the Caribbean drinking rum!
Dance in the moonlight on Mill Mountain..."Ain't even done with the night"...again!! and this time I'm holding out for first person I wanted!
Buy my Charger!
Owe nothing!
Feel appreciated by the people I love!
Move to VA and Live on my Moutain!
Well let's see what happens.....smooches
Monday, January 14, 2008
rambling
Put a gun to my head , won't you? I have injured no other but myself, yet you persist on aiming for my head, or is it my heart? You are my own special evil, without you how can I become me? Not a me that all will see, but the one buried deep down my soul, the one that I want to be...the one I hope you will see someday. For I still see nothing in those eyes but a joke, you don't think of me the way I want, a wasted world of dreams. I just wonder if I will survive you in my lifetime. So as I leave, please keep the barrel aimed dead on my head and your finger on the trigger, for the bullet may go around and come back straight into the empty void you call your heart. But it will kill me just the same, for I am you. I know that you are him and he is you...but remember I have always been just me...consistently ME... You knew that I would know. What I would do to get my past back without giving away where I am now, for it has made me stronger, yet I would still crumble at your feet. I hide it so well, that you could never tell,no one can...the private hell in which I dwell so beautifully. We were meant to be, I thought it. But my heart was never a part of you. You held it in well too. Maybe I've been just a pawn in your little game. But "I no longer enjoy it!" I have cried many tears for you, I have purged what's left of my soul for you, I have crossed borders to places I wish I had never gone. The past is true, the future is cruel, the present is where I am, but I have made it Limbo...where you and I are a lie. Maybe when the time comes you'll know that this was all for you somehow and you can find some appreciation for me if not affection.....but I think you will continue to live your own lie and to concede would be to admit what I have known all along,.......you loved me. at least once.
The true WORK of Christmas
When the song of the angels is stilled,
When the star in the sky is gone,
When the kings and the princes are home,
When the shepherds are back with their flocks,
The real work of Christmas begins:
To find the lost.
To heal the broken.
To feed the hungry.
To release the prisoner.
To build the nations.
To bring peace among brothers.
To make music in the heart.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
and so it begins.....
I have been jounalling for decades, since I was 12, and I have several friends who have been on blogger for a long while....so I have succumb.....and so it begins....besides I needed an example of what I can do for layout...hehehehehehe!! click on my orange 'breezewaywebdesigns' tag on the top to get to my site....smooches
