Evaluating who I am!

Check out this picture.....I took it at the Salem Red Sox game on April 24th, 2009...I think it is patriotic! A flag at a baseball game!

I am so tired of studying....I have finals! BooHiss! So anyway, I wanted to write about anything...so here goes:

I am who I am. I am getting older and I think I am becoming a classic….I am middle class, an oldest child, overachiever, not a laborer and not a white collar either. I was born in the baby boomer era and grew up thinking that the world was my oyster-- only to find out that hamburger was what was on the main menu. I’ve experienced lost love and then love renewed. I have buried a parent and a brother, gave birth to my boys. I was too young to be a part of the 60's revolution but I enjoyed the Disco thing. I think that Republicans are stuffy and Democrats are too flamboyant so I identify myself as an independent. Radio ruled when I was young and TV wore itself out when I got older. I remember the times when I was able to go outside and play until I was told to come in and eat dinner. I was able to share kool-aid from the same glass as my friends and drink water from the garden hose and there was no scare of a disease. I am most comfortable in jeans and a T but I do like getting "dressed to the nines" sometimes. In social arenas, I can talk about politics or NASCAR with equal vigor and knowledge. When I was young I watched people die of diseases that would have been treatable today and I have beaten cancer twice. Now kids play Wii, everyone has a cell phone but still I remember my grand mother and how she often spoke of the old days. I remember hearing how John F. Kennedy was shot and I remember seeing my mother cry whenever she told me. I gratefully have seen people cry tears of joy, sorrow and happiness. I hated the memories of photos of soldiers returning from Vietnam in body bags and I hate the ones from Iraq even more. I loved the memory of watching black and white TV to see Armstrong jump on the moon. I have visions of seeing my elementary classmates scurry into the hallways only to crouch down and hide behind their lockers during Nuclear air-raid drills while the air defense sirens shrilled. I did not see the Berlin wall go up but had the incredible pleasure of watching it come down. I had an unshakeable faith and then I drifted, only to return to believe the single set of footprints in the sand was the time of my life when my Savior carried me. I try to never forget those that have sown their seeds into my life, and no matter where I go in life - I try to stay in touch with them one way or another. The sum of who I am comes from the pieces they have added to me. Yes I can clearly say I have lived a middle of the road kind of existence and to some extent these things have made me appreciate what I have, who I am and what I have to offer. The best part of this equation is that I still have a lot more to witness... God willing. smooches

ok.....I suck...I haven't blogged in over a month! Hey, I've been buzy! and I've been outta town! But do I got pictures.....so hold on.....I'll get everything up and you can leave me some feedback, if you haven't abandoned me yet! smooches

My Toast!

Ok folks…here’s the deal…I wrote a TOAST for St. Patrick’s Day as I do every year...…and I was going send it out last night…but I hesitated. Then this morning, again I was not satisfied. I came home from work and before I head out to my St. Patrick’s Day Bacchanal Fest, I had to re write it! I had written a liturgy on inspiration but I changed the topic….to laughter! So here it is and it goes to everyone in my email addresses....even my insurance agent!! hehehehe! some of you lucky buggers may even get it twice! I will post it on my blog as soon as i get the chance.....

How many of us realize that we have to laugh at ourselves. It is such a necessary part of dealing with the most insane situations that occur. Yesterday I got a flat tire and literally had to jog to make a very important meeting, in heels. A very nice lady stopped to offer me a ride, which I declined because one of my gals was coming to get me. The lady said to me, you look like you are going to be late for your own funeral. I could see myself in my mind and I started to laugh. I walked into the meeting 15 meeting late but I don’t think I missed much. Then today was the topper, I got up and got ready for work. I went out to start my car and it would not start. I checked everything. It was turning over but just wouldn’t start. I called the auto club and a sweet gentleman came to my house and we deducted that it didn’t need a jump and that possible it was a fuel issue. He put gas in my car….nothing. So I asked him to tow it to the garage at the end of my street. I left Dennis a note with the keys and my cell phone number. Now how to get to work…I called Mary and left a message. My lil Dodge truck is was gone, so I had no way to work. I called my friend Ann. She was just going to put V on the bus. I ask if I can borrow her GMC truck and could she come and get me. No Problem. In 20 minutes I am in her driveway. I hop out of her car and open the truck door, start it to warm for a few minutes. I go around her car to kiss my godson goodbye. I walk back to the truck and as I try to open the door, it won’t open. Ann and I just look at each other and start to howl. I have locked the keys in the truck and it’s running!! I cannot believe that I have to call the auto club again. Ann offers to stay with me but I send her off to the gym and I sit there for 25 minutes waiting and laughing at how stupid I am. I got through Friday the 13th with no incident and here I am on St. Patrick’s Day….which I might add has always been lucky for me….wondering WTF happened. To make a long story short, I got to work a little late.. But the really funny thing is…my car…Dennis calls me and tells me he can find nothing wrong with it. He has spent the day starting it and it is fine. I spend the afternoon with Betsy, singing and laughing, thinking that it’s all behind me! I walk down to get it when I got home from work and I drive it to my house and park it. I debate on whether to take the GMC back and decide I should maybe keep it. I get ready to do my South Boston Bar Crawl through the Irish pubs. Greg wants to go stay at a friends so I go out to start my car and it WON’T START! God help me…tomorrow I don’t have to be at work til 1 pm and its going to Joe Oliviera’s shop…he will find its problem. But so much for this…..I need a drink…so I gotta wrap this up….
To those that I laugh with everyday insanely….whether we are ‘stuck’ somewhere or not.
I raise my glass……

May joy and peace surround you,
contentment latch your door,
and happiness be with you now
and bless you evermore!

To the ones who make you laugh til you cry. To the ones who stop in the middle of a song that they are singing when you walk into a club and make you laugh. To the ones you just have to look at to crack up. To the ones who make you laugh even if you haven’t seen them in over a year or for years. To those whose laughter you hold in your heart. Never lose the ability to laugh at yourself, it is the best laugh of all. I love you all, smooches…..Brenda

An addendum: It is now Wednesday morning...I am nursing a hangover! I vaguely remember a little peson, male, dressed a s a leprachan! hehehehe....and can you believe it?...I can NOT find the keys to the GMC! Oh Lord bless me for I only do this once a year! so...I have to call and see if Ann will bring me the spares. I must have my car towed to the other garage.....and still I'm laughing because I know this the result of having way too much on my little mind! Keep laughing and have a blessed life!

To quote The A team...'I love it when a plan comes together..."

I am one of those people with an overwhelming need to please and be accepted. I try to not forget birthdays, special occasions, I try to 'read' my friends so that I can be there if I think they need me. The worst part is that I have a very short list of people that I want acknowledgement from, but I do want....or rather NEED them to be proud of me. For a long time that person was my mom. I can remember crying into her arms because I thought I had done something to disappoint her and she told me how proud of me she was and that there was little I could ever do to disappoint her. This kept me grounded and centered when everyone else was critical of me and until I found a few others that inspired that reaction in me. Now I feel like many view me as an intrusion or a bother and that would never be what I wanted. So anyhow....today I felt empowered. My next door neighbor, Jeanette turned 84 years today. She was born 1/1/25. she is a little spit of a thing...I don't think she weighs her age. She has been a widow since the second year I lived here....I've owned this house for 10 years. So I call Jeanette every Monday to coordinate our agendas. What day does she want to go grocery shopping, what do we have for medical appointments. She fretted over me the whole time I was limping, and when she found out that I would need surgery she went into hyper drive. I stop over to check on her every chance I get. My sons mow her grass and shovel her snow. Two years ago, I called her to wish her a Happy Birthday/Happy New Year's and she didn't answer, I went to her house and I found her in the middle of a stroke on her kitchen floor. I called 911 and stayed at her bedside for a week. There is little signs of the stroke now but I fear for her. I threaten her if she goes out in the snow...for a broken hip would surely mean a nursing home. I often feel guilty...because I can't spend more time with her and that I never had the chance to do all this for my own mother. Cancer stole her from me way to soon. So....this morning I put on a pot of black eyed peas because my mama also made them for New Year's and told me they were good luck. I had a card and a beautiful cashmere throw as a present for her to wrap up in while watching the news, but I also had a secret. So after the peas were done, I made a little cake. Then there was a knock at my door. It came be very hard to hide things from someone who lives right next door. I did it though. Around 1 pm I called Jeanette and told her I was coming to get her so that she could eat with me. I half carried her the 10 yards to my door. But she came in and sat down. Gregory told her we were going to have a birthday party for her and she scoffed. I told her that because of a surprise I had, that we were going to start with the cake. I put it on the table and and lit the candles. I told her to blow them out, close her eyes and make her fondest wish. As she sat there with her eyes closed I snuck her son Paul who lives in NC and his children into the dining room and told her to open her eyes. I need a sidebar....she has not seen her son in 3 years...he moved to NC when he accepted a professorship at UNC, then he divorced...blah blah blah....it was always something. I starting called him and emailing him at Thanksgiving telling him that he really needed to come home. That his mother is mostly likely nearing the end of her life and she needs to see him and the children. I just kept on badgering. He told me that he was coming to CT for New Year's and I told him that he had to drive here. He never called me a name but I know he thought it. Well...let just say....even now as I think about her face when she opened her eyes and saw her only son and her grandchildren that that it was the wish she made. He will only be here until tomorrow but it meant everything to her. He even came over and wished me a Happy New Year with a kiss and told me that he is very glad that he made the trip and that he is glad that his mom is so loved.
So how does that go again...'Do unto others...' I can only hope that my son sees how a little something can mean a whole lot to someone.

The Deafening Silence!

Oh my goodness....I can't believe I haven't written in such a long time....don't time fly when your losing your marbles...well.....here goes.....
Hallelujah, I am finished juggling this holiday craziness while recovering from my surgery. I took some time out to walk through my garden today. I am trapped in this cyclical kind of nausea and it’s depressing me. But even in the winter bleakness there are things I can do to prepare a garden for the new life of spring. Ah spring….rebirth! Working in my garden is a preferred pastime, because of the connection to the earth and the meditative feeling I have when I dig and divide and plant, and also because of the silence. It is a funny thing because growing up on a farm, I hated doing everything that I now cherish.
When I say silence, I don't mean a complete lack of sound. In fact I am not quite sure what a complete lack of sound is like. It seems like there is always some kind of sound, even at the quietest of times. If nothing else, there is the sound of my breath and the beating of my heart to keep me company and remind me of the gift of life I enjoy each and every moment.
I am so protective of my alone time...I mean just me. I love hugging and I love to have someone close to me, holding my hand and just sharing space with me, but I need my alone time. It has become the balm to my soul.
In a world of constant noise, traffic, airplanes, constant bombardment of machine sounds and the like, it is no wonder that people feel stressed and anxious. I don’t even think they even know why. Alternatively, most people relax when they can get to places that are quieter and more natural, where one can hear the breeze rustling the leaves in the trees, and the sounds of water flowing over stones in a softly flowing stream. I find myself walking on the beach a lot to hear that calming rhythm. I even dream of walking on the beach a lot and I find it can be very soothing to me.
I believe the reason for that is that such sounds are natural and in tune with the Earth, unlike many of the sounds of bustling human activity.
One of the nicest things about relaxing sounds is that they allow me to access the most important aspect of silence, the silence within. That silence inside that allows me to actually hear my own thoughts and receive insights can leave me feeling not only relaxed, but more alive and in step with the planet. The word silence comes from the word silentium, which means repose, to sit down, to rest. So, maybe silence is not so much the lack of sound as it is the kind of sounds that give us rest.
So, my unsolicited advice: the next time you find yourself feeling a bit anxious without an obvious reason, stop and listen to the sounds around you. If you are not happy with what you hear, find a way to enjoy the sounds that do make you feel peaceful and relaxed. Take an early walk in the park…go with your dog if you have one, dig in your own garden, or my absolute favorite….go FISHING! Or sit on your porch listening to the wind blow through the trees, or maybe put a waterfall or ocean wave CD on to play, and enjoy the sounds of silence. Sometimes it is then that I hear what my heart has been trying to tell me……….smooches

Just thinking....

I'm in one of those moods. I was talking to my friend Gary tonight. I love him and I so wish I could touch him and take the bitterness out of his heart but the sad truth is that it is a bitterness borne out of love. I have been there and I may very well be there again. Such is the risk. It is...a giant risk when you love someone, not just a romantic partner but as friends. I learned that lesson this week although in reality it was over a year ago, I just didn't want to accept it. Just like my Gary. One would think that when you love someone, be it friend, family or something other, that there is a responsible to each other. Not like you love them so they owe you, more like I have exposed my soul to you so please don't hurt me. I have made it known to everyone who knows me, that I wear my heart on my sleeve, irregardless of my bravado or brashness. That would be a cover for my hurt...
I have a friend, I would and have done anything for.......all they need do was ask and I responded, I never missed an occasion in their life, and I supported them as a friend should. I never expected anything from this person but to be my friend in return. But I may have expected too much, I expected to be treated with dignity, I expected to be treated courteously, I expected my friend to be truthful, I expected my friend to not hurt my feelings.....so I expected too much. More than obviously they could give me. I can only blame myself, my own poor judgment of character...
The depth of sadness in my heart is unfathomable, I am truly heartbroken. I feel betrayed, like when I needed my friend to fight for me, I just wasn't worth it to them. That is a hard thing to swallow. That is why I can't be upset with my Gary, he can stay as heartbroken as he wants. I just listen to him when his heart screams out...maybe it will drown out my own.

I'm mad, scared, confused, aggravated...pick an adjective....

First...it's Veteran's Day tomorrow and with a son and tons of family in the military and a family full of veterans, as well as special friends :)....go HUG A VET! and if you really want to celebrate them...ask them to tell you a story about when they served....they are a hoot!

Well, No more waiting…..I have to have surgery. So I am rearranging my life to accommodate this intrusion. I have had to cancel some plans because I’m unsure of what the aftermath will be. Funny though, I have always hated Christmas and this year I’m really going to hate it. We discussed it and decided to cancel the wedding too...not really cancel, postpone. Just as well, I couldn't get any of my family to come to it...just like the first one! I am really pissed off, so I shouldn't talk about family. Maybe its because I’m older, or maybe because I’ve been here before but I’m not feeling as optimistic as I probably have in the past. Funny, when I was younger, nothing really fazed me. Now the thought of surgery is really scary to me. I appreciate my life so much more and the thought of it been interrupted when everything seems so right, is going my way, is jarring me to the bone. When I am on the verge of getting everything I worked so hard for, it is daunting and it is ludicrous at the same time. I am reminded of a conversation a long time ago with my friend Pam. Pam and her husband, Paul had separated for a time, almost two years. This was about 20 years ago, but I was just talking to Pam about it a week or so ago. I found it a heart-breaking situation because I loved both of them. Paul once made the most incredible gesture to me. The morning that my father called my work to tell me that my mother was dying, Paul answered the phone, came to get me and literally caught me as I hit the floor. Then after I cried in his arms, he gave me his American Express card and told me to go charter a plane to get my sister and me to VA as fast as possible. I refused him. But I have NEVER forgotten that gesture. It is one act of kindness that I have always tried to ’pay forward.’ His wife Pam is an awesome person, a nurse and mother to five. They had just got suffocated with marital responsibilities and separated. But as fate would have it, they finally came to see that they belonged together and reunited. Within a month, Pam was rejoicing as they were expecting their second child. It seemed to fulfill a destiny. Pam nearly glowed with happiness from inside and out. Then she got very sick. She was diagnosed with a genetic kidney aliment. Her kidneys were shutting down and the prognosis was the surgery would most likely end her pregnancy, but the doctors were unsure if she could hold off. I sat and listened to her thinking out loud….she wanted to have everything straight in her head to allow her and Paul to make an informed decision. She suddenly burst into tears. I asked her if she was all right and she screamed NO! I have everything the way I want it and I might lose it…What could I do for her?…I had no answers for her and could only offer comfort. She did hold off and had the baby. It was difficult but she became stable and went on to have 3 more babies…each a little scary, but she did it, watching her kidney status very closely each time. I have often thought. Why is life like this? Why is it always a trial? Why to get to what you have dreamed about you have to endure something or work your ass off to achieve. I’m not sure I’m buying the whole line of thinking that it is to appreciate it more. Maybe I bought it for the first couple of times, but at some point you think it would be a mute point: Lesson Learned. I appreciate everything and that comes from having nothing, and I mean nothing, in my life ever being easy. Nothing goes my way, nice and easy the first time…I have just gotten really good at making it LOOK that way. Sometimes I even catch myself resenting the people who everything seems to come to them with no obstacles. Then I remember it is just the way things are for me and has nothing to do with them. So I have to believe that this is just a speed bump on my life’s path and that everything will get back on course as soon as I can regain command of it. In the meantime, I have to do what I do least well of all the skills I have…..wait and then recover. I have the patience of the proverbial snake that I hate so much….Oh just for the record….most of the people that I think get things handed to them…..usually have their own set of trials to endure…I'm just self centered. :)