4/16/07

May the light from your souls illuminate the path to Heaven....God bless and keep you!

*special Thanks to HokieNation!

Where have you been?

Seems to be the question of the day. Truthfully, I've been right here....working my butt off! I have been doing everything doubletime so that I will have all my work in place before I start my sabbatical. I can't wait! I finishing the school thing.... a new degree in Human Services Management. I've decided I am a terminal student. :) Well, anyway between school and trying to get all my ducks in a row and running myhousehold, and being there for my loved ones and friends...well, let's just say, "I got a full plate !" Oh and I forgot the best part.....I am so homesick I can't breathe. I need to see dogwoods and my mountain, and green alive things and the lake...and feel the sun, actually warm on my face. Oh and this is the funniest thing. I greew up in a little place in the Blue Ridge Mountains called Hardy, Virginia. It a lil town, half in Bedford County and half in Franklin County. We have a Post Office, and a rescue squad, volunteer. We have a couple little mom and pop stores and businesses. It's the kind of place that when I drive into town, everybody waves at me and yells Yipeeee, Brenda's home! Now this is the really funny part.....this week....Hardy got it's very first........ TRAFFIC LIGHT! I can only think of 3 roads that even intersect....I laughed so hard. My dad then told me that they were on each end of the railroad bridge on Hardy Road. they are doing some contruction on the bridge so they put lights ar both ends so that traffic will have to stop to allow use of a single lane. I can see why they put the lights there. A mile below that bridge is the marina on Smith Mtn. Lake and more than once I've met a drunk pulling a $100,000 bass boat on my side of the road, or at the very least, in the middle. Anyway I can't wait to see them and smell......smell the air, smell the lake. Oh if I keep this up, I'm gonna cry. I saw a new movie, the Kite Runner. I went out and bought a basket full of copies....I'll be sending em out! It has come the closest to hitting what I feel about being alive, a human, and what it means to be committed to another person in whatever capacity, family friend or lover. So I've rambled on for enough tonight....til next time....smooches

I wanna be beautiful....

I want to be beautiful.
Make you stand in awe.
Look inside my heart, and be amazed!
I want to hear you say.....
Who I am is quite enough.
Just want to be worthy of love
And feel beautiful.

You make me feel beautiful.
You make me stand in awe.
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed!
I love to hear You say...
Who I am is quite enough.
You make me worthy of love and feel beautiful .

~Bethany Dillion
lyrics of 'Beautiful'

My toast!

'Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with.’

Guess what? It’s toast time! This past year can only be defined by me as a year of loss. It actually started a little more than a year ago and it’s been like the domino effect. Last week as I wrote another eulogy for someone that I just loved, I fell back to my ‘It’s a wonderful life’ principal. I have 3 basic tenets that I rely upon to counteract my initial evil response….I know you‘ve all seen my EVIL!! But I have the ‘Golden Rule‘…that would be the ‘Do unto others’ one, the second one is ‘Shit happens for a reason’ or ‘ if a door closes then a window opens’ and the ’Wonderful Life’ principal which states, ’ you impact lives, positively or negatively is up to you!’ That’s why in the eulogy I said that I no longer mourn that I never got to say goodbye, I celebrate the chance I got to say hello. So in keeping in this vein…..I fool myself into thinking that I am a strong independent woman, who must face adversities alone, and nothing could be farther from the truth. I have faith in myself, not only on days when everything is going great and I’m winning and nothing seems impossible! But on days when the whole world looks lousyand I'm losing! The road ahead seems too hard and everyone I meet takes a swing at me. I find myself wondering if I'm brave enough, smart enough and should I even try.But no matter how many people discourage me…doubt me…laugh at me…think me a fool…and don't let me listen.I keep hearing another voice echoing mine and telling me,'You can do it and you will! You’re better than that!” And that would be you, my friends, at my back, whispering in my ear.If I think that nobody else in this world gives a darn or believes in me, and all I have is myself.Or the times when I doubt my own abilities, and I’m discouraged and on the verge of despair,And I’m trying hard to hang onto me. I turn to see one of you there with a pat on the back, a hug, a word.I don’t want to quit, not ever. It’s not in me! And besides I know…You’ll never let me.So……I raise my glass…to toast you all!!To the ones I can call and say…‘ya wanna do lunch in 5 minutes? I need to talk.’ And you drop everything to be there for me. to the one I can't be on the phone with for less than an hour EVERYTIME we talk...even if it was five minutes since we hung up!!! To the one who answers every one of my goofy email with a response telling me how ‘deep’ I am…I’m such a loser I never get tired of it! Hehehe! Thanks! To the ones who know that my heart is dangling on my sleeve and you never take a jab at it! To the ones who welcomed me onto their home and family for a weekend and made me feel as if I had always belonged there. To the one who always greets me....Hi Beautiful! to the ones who make me worry about them...cause I know they would be worrying about me! To the ones who try and beat me to say 'I love you' first. To the ones who challenge me to raise my own personal standards. To the ones who think I’m a QUEEN when I feel most like the court jester. To the poor dears who now must occupy my space and listen to all my ISSUES, rants, tirades and soliloquies. You are good sports to know that I will be back to NORMAL as soon as I vent. Finally to the members of my family…both by blood and by my usurping you by imminent domain into my family…..I love you…I talk to you even when you not here. I treasure your role in my life, past, present and future. I wish I could be a bigger part of your lives and that you could be a bigger part of mine….but such is life. Know that I miss you.Because of you, my friends, I venture out to overcome my fear of rejection. I have gained strength and fear being hurt less and less or maybe I just feel more capable to face the hurt. I am coming to terms with the changing relationships with my sons and not feeling so LEFT OUT. Well, finally to the ones who emailed me this morning….nearly panicked…because my toast was not in their inbox when they awoke this morning…..now that makes me feel loved….I have the best support system a brash, loud, sassy Southern born lass could have ever dreamt of, in even her wildest dreams!Happy St. Patrick’s Day……have one for me! Or join me…..I think I found the perfect place in Boston...reeking of beer and history!…. SMOOCHES

How my mind works!

I sat down to write some reflections that I am going to give as a eulogy at a memorial service next week and guess what......it morphed into my St. Patrick's day toast.....:) Ewes guys wil love it! (I hope!)

catching up......

I thought....I was gonna write a lil regularly here and BOOM......don't time fly when you're having FUN!! So I'm catching up....kinda...I wrote a couple of entries...but I didn't publish them cause I was ranting...angry and not nice...I would never publicly humilitate SOMEBODY, regardless of what they might think!...ok so I'm having the post Valentine's day blahs...whose stupid idea was this idiotic holiday!? Could anybody have set men up to fail so successfully? (also why I added the new song!) Hey I took care of all my Valentines.....ok most of them are children.....or people I think of as my children!! I'm going hear it for that one. So anyway.....I got a marriage proposal for Valentine's Day....and I was so tempted.....really....just throw some clothes in a bag and take off for a brave new world. I have a confession to make.....I am a runner.....I have always put as much distance between me and whatever hurts me....with the exception of lately.....and I'm feeling it.....I wanna git! But it always comes back to that's why I'm here now.....my biggest run....my most regretted run, but the move that has defined my life. So I'm planning my short track getaway.....:) What else? I'm tired of the election already.......I HATE POLITICS...in case anybody out there didn't know that! It might as well be 'actors' vying for the Oscar ....the category... Spouting Shit in the most believeable manner so as to dupe the Public! It is so sad that is comes down to who you think is lying the least. All I can say is......Spin will make ya puke! Just like when you were a little kid...spinning in the yard....Rawlph! hehehehe!
So the weather sucks......the 500 left something to be desired.....all I've been doing is working and plotting my next trip to VA. Before I sign off on this one...an MB update....she's having surgery on Tuesday...another shining example of how this State has NO RESPECT for the people who works for it......too busy chasing around dumbasses asleep at the circus!! Let me leave this link for ya......
Sleeper at the circus!

But remember MB in your bestest thoughts......we miss her and pray for her safe recovery every day!!! smooches

heart broken.....

I am almost inconsolable....I have a friend...I love her very much..her name is MB! She is the type of friend that I always wanted to be....she's your cheerleader, she builds you up, she is always smiling....she finds the UP side way before I can even think about it... and even when we were both in 'competition' with each other it was a 'lovefest'.... it was never a matter of who was better or the best. I have traveled with her, worked with her, socialized with her and some of my best memories are such because I see her smile in my mind. Now don't get me wrong...I hate to see bad things happen to anyone and I have a reputation for 'wearing my heart on my sleeve.' When I'm happy the whole world knows it, but guess what...the whole world also knows when I'm pissed, sad, depressed...whatever...I am a package deal! But as I told Kell.....I would rather cry because I feel....than to not cry because I feel nothing.....then I might as well travel thru this life as an android. But when something unexpected happens....MB...I love her so much that the thought of her being in the mildest of distress breaks my heart and makes me sob.....
Late yesterday afternoon as I sat in my office, Mark came in to tell me that a medical emergency had been called on MB. Yesterday sucked...the weather here was like a frigid hell.....sleet...frozen rain...ice...and sure enough...as MB was finishing up her day and lugging all her paperwork to her car...( for paperwork see previous entries...YUCK) she slipped. She fell in an ice covered puddle and shattered her arm. She found herself alone...in bitter elements, injured, she saw our boss' Sandy's car. She managed to get her phone out and she called Sandy for aid. She tried to get to MB as fast as she could and as San tried to help her, she fell also...but she was not injured as badly but bad enough. But YEAH!! for Sandy...and here's hoping the back feels better fast!!! As Sandy described the scene to me of MB...in the puddle, of her trying to prevent shock and then of being loaded into the ambulance as she was screaming in pain...I just balled...the very thought of her being in pain and alone, especially to that extent, caused me such agony I could hardly speak. It was finally stablized and casted by 4 am this morning, but she has another surgery to repair and be pinned, so she is looking at a long recovery. I found it amazing this morning as I listened to her husband Don telling me how thankful he was that it was just her arm...she could have just as easily hit her head and been unconscious and suffered exposure and not even had made it to see the sun come up this morning. Maybe he knows something I don't....she's in pain still...but we still have her and she knows she is very loved.....remember my friend MB in your best thoughts and prayers....smooches