How my mind works!

I sat down to write some reflections that I am going to give as a eulogy at a memorial service next week and guess what......it morphed into my St. Patrick's day toast.....:) Ewes guys wil love it! (I hope!)

catching up......

I thought....I was gonna write a lil regularly here and BOOM......don't time fly when you're having FUN!! So I'm catching up....kinda...I wrote a couple of entries...but I didn't publish them cause I was ranting...angry and not nice...I would never publicly humilitate SOMEBODY, regardless of what they might think!...ok so I'm having the post Valentine's day blahs...whose stupid idea was this idiotic holiday!? Could anybody have set men up to fail so successfully? (also why I added the new song!) Hey I took care of all my Valentines.....ok most of them are children.....or people I think of as my children!! I'm going hear it for that one. So anyway.....I got a marriage proposal for Valentine's Day....and I was so tempted.....really....just throw some clothes in a bag and take off for a brave new world. I have a confession to make.....I am a runner.....I have always put as much distance between me and whatever hurts me....with the exception of lately.....and I'm feeling it.....I wanna git! But it always comes back to that's why I'm here now.....my biggest run....my most regretted run, but the move that has defined my life. So I'm planning my short track getaway.....:) What else? I'm tired of the election already.......I HATE POLITICS...in case anybody out there didn't know that! It might as well be 'actors' vying for the Oscar ....the category... Spouting Shit in the most believeable manner so as to dupe the Public! It is so sad that is comes down to who you think is lying the least. All I can say is......Spin will make ya puke! Just like when you were a little kid...spinning in the yard....Rawlph! hehehehe!
So the weather sucks......the 500 left something to be desired.....all I've been doing is working and plotting my next trip to VA. Before I sign off on this one...an MB update....she's having surgery on Tuesday...another shining example of how this State has NO RESPECT for the people who works for it......too busy chasing around dumbasses asleep at the circus!! Let me leave this link for ya......
Sleeper at the circus!

But remember MB in your bestest thoughts......we miss her and pray for her safe recovery every day!!! smooches

heart broken.....

I am almost inconsolable....I have a friend...I love her very much..her name is MB! She is the type of friend that I always wanted to be....she's your cheerleader, she builds you up, she is always smiling....she finds the UP side way before I can even think about it... and even when we were both in 'competition' with each other it was a 'lovefest'.... it was never a matter of who was better or the best. I have traveled with her, worked with her, socialized with her and some of my best memories are such because I see her smile in my mind. Now don't get me wrong...I hate to see bad things happen to anyone and I have a reputation for 'wearing my heart on my sleeve.' When I'm happy the whole world knows it, but guess what...the whole world also knows when I'm pissed, sad, depressed...whatever...I am a package deal! But as I told Kell.....I would rather cry because I feel....than to not cry because I feel nothing.....then I might as well travel thru this life as an android. But when something unexpected happens....MB...I love her so much that the thought of her being in the mildest of distress breaks my heart and makes me sob.....
Late yesterday afternoon as I sat in my office, Mark came in to tell me that a medical emergency had been called on MB. Yesterday sucked...the weather here was like a frigid hell.....sleet...frozen rain...ice...and sure enough...as MB was finishing up her day and lugging all her paperwork to her car...( for paperwork see previous entries...YUCK) she slipped. She fell in an ice covered puddle and shattered her arm. She found herself alone...in bitter elements, injured, she saw our boss' Sandy's car. She managed to get her phone out and she called Sandy for aid. She tried to get to MB as fast as she could and as San tried to help her, she fell also...but she was not injured as badly but bad enough. But YEAH!! for Sandy...and here's hoping the back feels better fast!!! As Sandy described the scene to me of MB...in the puddle, of her trying to prevent shock and then of being loaded into the ambulance as she was screaming in pain...I just balled...the very thought of her being in pain and alone, especially to that extent, caused me such agony I could hardly speak. It was finally stablized and casted by 4 am this morning, but she has another surgery to repair and be pinned, so she is looking at a long recovery. I found it amazing this morning as I listened to her husband Don telling me how thankful he was that it was just her arm...she could have just as easily hit her head and been unconscious and suffered exposure and not even had made it to see the sun come up this morning. Maybe he knows something I don't....she's in pain still...but we still have her and she knows she is very loved.....remember my friend MB in your best thoughts and prayers....smooches

Franklin County girl

Brooks and Dunn says "you can take the girl out of the county but you can't take the country out of the girl!" HOT DAMN..it's the truth! I was sitting here listening to 'Flies in the Butter' by Wynonna....it's a song on the player at the bottom of the page. Well, all I can say is that song moved me to tears cause I grew up on mostly at my grandparent's place in Hardy. It was rambling acreage with no comforts. Well, electricity...but no running water and an outhouse. But my grandmother had 19 grandchildren...11 are girls...more than cousins...we were raised as siblings. There was always at least 8-10 of us who stayed there weekly every summer...all of us on the weekends. We slept 3 to a bed. We bathed in a galvanized washtub that we filled by hand from the branch. We had stumped toes, poison ivy, bee stings, mosquitoe bites and great tans. Hey we were cheap farm labor..we cooked, cleaned, moved, fenced, milked, gathered eggs, made jelly, ground up sausage, stacked hay, picked flowers, baked mud pies, chased lightening bugs, rode horses, fought with each other and loved each other.....I oft think what looking at my grandmother thru adult eyes would look like....I was barely into my 20's when she died.....I hated her then...I wonder if that would have changed...but the images in this song....rouse a strange mix of feelings in my heart....I loved her...I didn't like her...but I learned much at her dress hem!

I'm me...

Something happened today that reminded me that the only thing that I can control in this life is me. And I am amazingly consistent in my responses...I'm almost back to myself because I feel that burning in my stomach...that which I need....I NEED....I WANT....the familiar pangs of an addiction that I nurse.....a crushing craving for something that I will never have.....even Betsy saw it today I think....a flicker in my eyes... something.... a catch in my breath........but what she said made me laugh......for it's the thing I most desire and my greatest fear all rolled into one thing...for to get it...would be to lose it forever..I know this in my heart and in my soul....I have know this truth from the beginning......because I have seen nothing capture it so far and I suffer from no delusions that I can claim this beast ....I can run with the King of the Jungle if he lets me....but I have always been left in a state of wantoness...hunger......I get only the crumbs that fall and roll out of sight and the truth be known....those crumbs sustain me.

Oh this is PRICELESS!

I've been waiting all day to put this down! Don't read if you're eating, just finished or just about to start eating!!! I have always been considered to be 'bright' so early on I realized that there were 3 ways that things occur in this world....the EASY way...the HARD way...and the BRENDA way....which is the HARD way to the 10th power. Don't get me wrong...I'm not whining...much...it has made me very appreciative of my successes and especially my failures....and it has made me very proud of who I am. It has also given me a peculiar sense of humor. In situations where most would literally die of embarassment...I have sat right down on the floor and laughed out loud at myself...and that is exactly what happened this morning. I awoke at 4 am, surprized at how well I felt, considering how sick I had been. So I decided to get my ass up and go to work...I work for the state 'government' and it's the end of the month....and there is no END to the 'end of the month' paper work....you have to submit reports on everything from the preceding month as well as make sure that all the systems are in place to collect and collate whatever data needs to be collected for the next month's report...it's a vicious cycle. But I digress... I decided to get up and put on my game face...everyone knows I've been sick so I show up the picture of competency and efficiency. I shower, do my hair, my makeup...I pick a black cashmere sweater over a black and grey houndstooth shirt....black knee high high heeled boots and my wool black and grey wrap...purrrrfect! I am beautiful and all business. I even kiss at myself in the mirror....could I be more of a goofass? So I have been sick...respiratory...very congested...chest...sinus....pressure is gone but my rib cage feels like I have been a tackling dummy for the Pat's practice all week. So I make myself some oatmeal and take a couple of bites...downing about half a cup of coffee as I decide to run out and start my car. I head down my deck steps toward the drive when I see my neighbor Steve walking his 'baby' Consuela at the end of my driveway. I open my mouth to say..."Hi ya Honey!" but no words come out...as soon as I attempt to speak a wave of nausea washes over me and I PUKE ALL OVER MYSELF! Not just the couple of swallows of oatmeal that I managed to get down but yards of phlegm...mountains of it....I guess it had to go somewhere...but all over me....even on my boots....all I remember before collapsing into a heap of laughter is the utterly horrified look on poor Steve's face.....ok so I know this is gross...but is so typifies my life...He runs to me thinking I'm having an aneurism or something and I am laughing uncontrollably. He starts laughing as I attempt to tell him I'm fine...I go into my house to find my son looking at me puzzled then he starts to laugh. I hear him...'Only you' as I re-shower, redress in a champagne colored pantsuit and get to work 15 minutes late with 'wash and wear' hair and some lipstick. Everytime someone told me how great I looked...I just laughed and said..."ya should have seen me the first time!" But the best had to be the single red rose on my doorstep when I got home from work. The card read....'I've never seen anyone vomit so beautifully' Mi vida Loca!

Happy NEW Year??

I have putting this off for about a week now..hoping against hope that this feeling would go away. No such luck! With the exception of the 5 days that I went into the witness protection program.......this year has just SUCKED so far. It started off very well...great New Year's Eve party at Neil's, I remember thinking at midnight...this is going be my year....8 is my lucky number...but was I wrong! I wanted to put the losses I've felt thru all of 2007 behind me and 'build a bridge and get the FUCK over it!!' I'm seem to be at that age where people I know are starting to die. That is almost easier to deal with than the ones who just ignore me. I got back 4 christmas cards as undeliverable...so I take that to mean...I moved..fuck you...I don't care enough about you to let you know where to send the card I get from you EVERY YEAR! Nice. ok...I'm whining...I really haven't been preserverating on it that much...but it hurt me. I'm still not doing so well with the boys just not needing me anymore...a mom with no one to mother is a sad thing to behold...my curse for raising such independent people...(Gregory suddenly doesn't want to discuss things with me)..so I'm left with these gaping holes in my life. Add in the losses I've suffered lately.....I still have not gotten over the shocking death of one of my dearest friends, Davey...everyday I miss him so much and I look for him everywhere. I found one of his socks and I just started crying.....He died on his birthday and I still haven't moved his present, it's right on my backseat of my car...I'm not sure what to do with it!! I was going to take it to him...I never got the chance. I think about all the damn presents I give all the time...why is this one sticking with me? I think I'll give to his brother Lou. It has really just magnified an ongoing problem I have.....that I want what I want and I WANT IT RIGHT NOW.....this theme just rears its ugly head all the time and I become so selfish....I know you all swear you don't see it but I do, and I know you do too...you just like to be nice to me!! So in 27 days...I've been to 2 funerals...in the same week...two friends of mine that I thought were in a very committed relationship have split up and being emotional support for one of them is killing me....16 years they were together and you know what I think on that subject...but watching G breaks my heart and makes me unpack my Samsonite....my oldest son is having some sort of issue and I can't help, he won't elaborate on what is going on...so I can't help him.....and that would be a character flaw...I FIX THINGS....I TAKE CARE OF PEOPLE....that's what I do.......then the frosting on the cake....I'm sick.....I mean I'm fucking sick...me and Boscoe have just been laying in bed......I missed Betsy at River Falls and the Pitcher's Pub....I have only been sitting upright for 20 minutes and I'm about to faint....I'm watching it snow thru the bay window in my kitchen...big flakes...like someone shaking a snowglobe...or better yet...an etch a sketch....erase it all and let me start all over.....hey I can dream can't I? Well anyway...now it's out....now it can get better!! Right??...right!!