Memorial Day

Crazy random things, it is the craziest random things that get to me.  For over a decade, Joe and I hosted a memorial day cookout.  They were almost infamous among our friends and family.....we had food fights, trips to the ER, water balloon battles, 25 kids in the pool and who can forget the time the wind blew the canopy down the street or the year with the torrential rain and we had the cookout in the basement.  Thousands of pictures and millions of laughs.  We gathered together last year as best we could, our hearts broken and our souls in pain.  It will never be the same, seems like is anymore.
So, there will be no cookout this year....at least not here.  I am going to one of our friends who decided that they would have a little cookout.  So I don't have to cook all weekend, Joe is not prepping the pool nor primping the yard, hanging bunting on the deck, nor buying new flags for the front of the house....there will be no laughter here.  But we laugh and we will love and we will remember him and he will live on in our hearts.
So the randomness....most days I feel like I have a huge ice block in my chest where my heart used to be.  oh I smile, I laugh, I sing, I dance and I care, I even love...but inside I still feel dead.......until that dreaded moment when my heart bursts within my chest and a million tears fill my soul and erupt out of me.  I collapse to my knees and can't even breathe.  luckily enough, the only witnesses to this is ususally my dogs.
Today it was making deviled eggs for the cookout.  I decided to make to them and I was fine with that.  I started them to boil, I peeled them and separated the yolk, I got out the egg plate.  I prepared the filling and it happened.  Suddenly my heart exploded because he was not here to taste it and tell how to adjust it....what did it need more of.....the damn eggs are fine....but I need you.....I may never recover from the randomness of this whole scenario....I know these feelings and these random episodes are are becoming less frequent but somehow more intense.  I guess I am saving them up, making them more efficient or I am getting better at self medicating with alcohol and running thru my life at break neck speed to hold them off.  There is nothing more ridiculous than needing to move on and wanting to stay right where you are.  I have forced myself out of my comfort zone to a zone where there is almost no comfort at all.....at least not the 'comfort' I had known..I have made new friends, found new activities all while relying so heavily on my inner circle.  Those poor souls who love me and try to guide me and be supportive at the same time. No small feat. 
So.....I am spewing my grief out into my blog because as it is is with flatulence and gastric disturbances.....better out than it......it festers inside,  

I swear if one more person tells me what a good person I am....I AM GOING TO COMMIT A HOMICIDE! I freely admit that I am not the worst person on the face of the Earth.....but I am FAR from being any where near GOOD! You have to understand....I am paying for sins that I have committed and trying to earn POINTS for the things that I do out of my own selfishness. I have people come up to me, strangers on the street and tell me that there must be a special place in Heaven for me, because of the work I do. They see me doing my job and make me out to be some sort of saint...or because I take pride in being a good friend. Right like my lame attempts to be good...like that is going to negate the evil I do.... My only hope is to break even...but thanks for saying it anyway....even if I am never going believe it....

Eulogy for a Friend

Posting this here to remember......

Disclaimer---Not if there are tears…but WHEN there are tears…it is the love leaking out of my heart!
Is is indeed once again, a sad day for all of me. I am here to give reflections on my friend David. I think this sharing of my grief will help me continue to ease my burdens. David lived a relatively short, but none the less, an amazing life. I met him in the late 80's when our paths crossed at Paul A. Dever Developmental Center. I have been his RT for the past decade and I have been amazed by him almost daily. He faced challenged that few have to conquer once in their lifetime let alone everyday.but he always got life to come to him on his terms. What is it that we remember when we think of David? He was a man of paradoxes….he was non verbal but very vocal....he hated shoes but loved socks…he hated wearing shirts but liked to wear the sleeve...he didn't like loud noises unless he was making them…but you always knew when he didn’t like something. I think everyone who knows him would agree with me the most memorale thing was his sense of humor.... his playful obstainancy. I know that there is a tendency to remember all the good stuff and downplay the not so positive traits. but I can't talk about David with out talking about his ability to pluck your last nerve and I mean that in a good way. He would make you be creative. He would push your buttons. If you've ever been in the Dining room at Quinn when we were there, you would know what I mean. But then just as quickly he could wrap your heart around his finger. As many of his team have said on many occasions, Dave had a wicked pisser sense of humor. He did things to make himself laugh and if it made you laugh too...well then it would just crack him up. For example, One training day not too long ago, I found myself in apt 4 with an unfamiliar staff. David decided to take full advantange of the situation. He very stealthfully wiggled around in his chair until he was literally hanging, ready to fall. I went to reposition him and he started to laugh. I got him all settled and as soon as I went to walk away he tried to throw himself from the chair. Now he's convulsing with laughter to the point where we could hardly get him back into the chair. As soon as we got him settled again, he tried again. So I went and got the mat and put in under is chair. He kept trying and kept laughing at us. Finally I said to the staff, we;ll just put him on the mat on the floor. cause you can't fall off the floor. As soon as we put him on the floor, he literally rolled over and started to snore. I immediately suspected this was his intention all along. I know that David has meant something to each and every one of you, personally, I know that he will be one of my guardian angels. David's death was sudden. I remember when I heard the news I simply could not believe it. I have been griefstricken that I never got the chance to say goodbye. The last words I said to him were...'see ya tomorrow...it's your birthday!!' David was well-loved and while he may have had to deal with many challenges while he was here on Earth, and I’m sure he’ll whatever he pleases in heaven. I will forever be grateful to have known David. I will carry him in my heart always. So instead of grieving the chance that I never to say goodbye I celebrate that I was given the chance to say Hello. Thank you for listening.....

Well….I am a little behind this year. I have this usually out and about by this morning but, as I have explained before, sometimes things have to kind of cook in my head before I get it down. I am thinking about unconditional love and friendship. This also makes me think about what it means to be a friend. Not a new theme for me by any means, but one that I always think about at this time because that what this is all about, paying a sort of homage to my friends.


I look back on this past year and think how very different it would have been without the love and support of people who love me. My friends recognize that beneath all my brashness, bravado and BULLSHIT that I am a simple girl and that I love them so very much. I appear to be a very complicated high maintenance….I admit it I have grown into it. The reality is I am often humbled by my friends. I have just developed this philosophy about how the human race should behave to one another and while I am intelligent enough to realize that not every person is going to get along with every other person, I also so know that some people just can’t relent. That makes me sad. So here I sit, thinking and seeing the faces of those who I can turn to when I need a hug, or a shoulder and piece of sage advice.

There are also many that I have lost this past year….I hope that my incessant need to say what I am feeling as I feel it has not left me with too many regrets. I say ‘I love you’ even if it makes people uncomfortably but I think that have become accustomed to it. My ‘coffee buddy’ I miss you and your beautiful soul….Maybe this Christmas I will be able to hear ‘Silent Night’ and not cry a river, instead just smile and remember. My lil angel….blowing me kisses from the clouds and my neighbor whom I can still hear singing over the back fence. May God keep you all in his loving embrace and as you look down on those you love and who love you and sharing your love with us.

I will be drinking in many of the fine Irish drinking establishment in Boston later and if you’ve a mind…come and join me! I usually do not mention names but my first toast I feel I must…..

I raise my glass……..

To my youngest son Greg….this year I have watched you go through an incredible transformation…while I am so very proud of both my sons, Greg, you and I share so many secrets and ideas that I have already begun to mourn when you find your own life and I will not have the unlimited access to you that I know enjoy.

To my friend, small of stature who commands a great presence……you have shown me that anything is possible…Look at where we are from where we were a brief year ago. Astonishing.

To the one who took that chance with me. Our names rhyme and I hope to never hear one without the other. You always make me smile and our laughter is infectious.

To the one I look to for professionalism that I can only hope to one day attain. Your advice and unconditional friendship has been one of the best reasons to just keep plugging away every day. I so miss you when I don’t see you and enjoy each that we are together. I am always learning at your side.

I can’t not mention that absolute thrill I have had this year. I would love to be able to take each and every one of you and place you on a pedestal and shine a spot light on you because you have meant so much to me….here is to the one who I was so fortunate enough to be able to stand beside when the spotlight was shone on her. We go weeks without talking or seeing each other face to face…but when fate puts in close proximity to each other….it is a gab fest!

To the person who listens to my corny jokes and smiles. I love the times when you actually find them funny and you laugh out loud.

To the person(s) who see me and just open their arms for a hug.

To the person(s) who think of me. There can be no greater gift. I told my children that material gifts are fine but the true gift is that someone thought enough about you to spend the time and perhaps money to buy or effort to make you something. It is the fact that they thought highly enough of you to expend energy in whatever form. That is the TRUE gift, not the monetary value or the possession. I never let a good deed go unpunished!

To my friends and family that are more than an arm’s length away…never fear that I have forgotten your influence in my life and do not feel your love. I so enjoy watching babies that I once held, now holding babies of their own. Know that you are all in my prayers and thoughts daily.

So….I will cease to ramble and please be safe and feel loved.

Wishing you a rainbow

For sunlight after showers—

Miles and miles of Irish smiles

For golden happy hours—

Shamrocks at your doorway

For luck and laughter too,

And a host of friends that never ends

Each day your whole life through!



smooches

Well….I am a little behind this year. I have this usually out and about by this morning but, as I have explained before, sometimes things have to kind of cook in my head before I get it down. I am thinking about unconditional love and friendship. This also makes me think about what it means to be a friend. Not a new theme for me by any means, but one that I always think about at this time because that what this is all about, paying a sort of homage to my friends.


I look back on this past year and think how very different it would have been without the love and support of people who love me. My friends recognize that beneath all my brashness, bravado and BULLSHIT that I am a simple girl and that I love them so very much. I appear to be a very complicated high maintenance….I admit it I have grown into it. The reality is I am often humbled by my friends. I have just developed this philosophy about how the human race should behave to one another and while I am intelligent enough to realize that not every person is going to get along with every other person, I also so know that some people just can’t relent. That makes me sad. So here I sit, thinking and seeing the faces of those who I can turn to when I need a hug, or a shoulder and piece of sage advice.

There are also many that I have lost this past year….I hope that my incessant need to say what I am feeling as I feel it has not left me with too many regrets. I say ‘I love you’ even if it makes people uncomfortably but I think that have become accustomed to it. My ‘coffee buddy’ I miss you and your beautiful soul….Maybe this Christmas I will be able to hear ‘Silent Night’ and not cry a river, instead just smile and remember. My lil angel….blowing me kisses from the clouds and my neighbor whom I can still hear singing over the back fence. May God keep you all in his loving embrace and as you look down on those you love and who love you and sharing your love with us.

I will be drinking in many of the fine Irish drinking establishment in Boston later and if you’ve a mind…come and join me! I usually do not mention names but my first toast I feel I must…..

I raise my glass……..

To my youngest son Greg….this year I have watched you go through an incredible transformation…while I am so very proud of both my sons, Greg, you and I share so many secrets and ideas that I have already begun to mourn when you find your own life and I will not have the unlimited access to you that I know enjoy.

To my friend, small of stature who commands a great presence……you have shown me that anything is possible…Look at where we are from where we were a brief year ago. Astonishing.

To the one who took that chance with me. Our names rhyme and I hope to never hear one without the other. You always make me smile and our laughter is infectious.

To the one I look to for professionalism that I can only hope to one day attain. Your advice and unconditional friendship has been one of the best reasons to just keep plugging away every day. I so miss you when I don’t see you and enjoy each that we are together. I am always learning at your side.

I can’t not mention that absolute thrill I have had this year. I would love to be able to take each and every one of you and place you on a pedestal and shine a spot light on you because you have meant so much to me….here is to the one who I was so fortunate enough to be able to stand beside when the spotlight was shone on her. We go weeks without talking or seeing each other face to face…but when fate puts in close proximity to each other….it is a gab fest!

To the person who listens to my corny jokes and smiles. I love the times when you actually find them funny and you laugh out loud.

To the person(s) who see me and just open their arms for a hug.

To the person(s) who think of me. There can be no greater gift. I told my children that material gifts are fine but the true gift is that someone thought enough about you to spend the time and perhaps money to buy or effort to make you something. It is the fact that they thought highly enough of you to expend energy in whatever form. That is the TRUE gift, not the monetary value or the possession. I never let a good deed go unpunished!

To my friends and family that are more than an arm’s length away…never fear that I have forgotten your influence in my life and do not feel your love. I so enjoy watching babies that I once held, now holding babies of their own. Know that you are all in my prayers and thoughts daily.

So….I will cease to ramble and please be safe and feel loved.

Wishing you a rainbow

For sunlight after showers—

Miles and miles of Irish smiles

For golden happy hours—

Shamrocks at your doorway

For luck and laughter too,

And a host of friends that never ends

Each day your whole life through!



smooches

My dreams lie in my personal power. I inspire transformation, respect and support by discrete but charismatic example and tolerance. I am an instrument for dynamic, responsible, or passionate expansion that serves and protects the greater good of my legacy.
My legacy of Mother, Friend, Sister and Lover! I am master of the universe and I am empowered with the reputation of experience, credibility, skill, and momentum. I transform through integrity. I burn as brightly as the sun and those who approach are afraid of the heat.
Fear not, my love is both warm and comforting. Seek shelter and solace in my heart. I hover above like the moon, quiet and somber until all ignore my presence, but I am constant and remain. My sense of self is not reflected back from outside but wells up through my soul to radiate outward from within me. How else could I answer to no master but God? I am neither complacent nor passive, but I am noit moved to action unless summoned. Once summoned beware the magnetism of my passion. I am a force of nature to be reckoned and reconciled. As with time, I am marching forward. I can not settle down easily or be ocntented with the 'same old same old' of a routine...I want what I want when I want it....that is just me.
I love language...so many words to say not much at all really...now LAUGH DAMMIT!

Thinking....

People baffle me. If you ask someone what they want out of life, they usually give you a long oration on what it is they want. But many appear to have no ambition to put the 'sweat' equity into getting what they want. It's like they expect it to just HAPPEN or worse yet...somebody should just give it to them. This is a pervasive kind of attitude that has consumed our society. It makes no sense to me.