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Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Just thinking....

I'm in one of those moods. I was talking to my friend Gary tonight. I love him and I so wish I could touch him and take the bitterness out of his heart but the sad truth is that it is a bitterness borne out of love. I have been there and I may very well be there again. Such is the risk. It is...a giant risk when you love someone, not just a romantic partner but as friends. I learned that lesson this week although in reality it was over a year ago, I just didn't want to accept it. Just like my Gary. One would think that when you love someone, be it friend, family or something other, that there is a responsible to each other. Not like you love them so they owe you, more like I have exposed my soul to you so please don't hurt me. I have made it known to everyone who knows me, that I wear my heart on my sleeve, irregardless of my bravado or brashness. That would be a cover for my hurt...
I have a friend, I would and have done anything for.......all they need do was ask and I responded, I never missed an occasion in their life, and I supported them as a friend should. I never expected anything from this person but to be my friend in return. But I may have expected too much, I expected to be treated with dignity, I expected to be treated courteously, I expected my friend to be truthful, I expected my friend to not hurt my feelings.....so I expected too much. More than obviously they could give me. I can only blame myself, my own poor judgment of character...
The depth of sadness in my heart is unfathomable, I am truly heartbroken. I feel betrayed, like when I needed my friend to fight for me, I just wasn't worth it to them. That is a hard thing to swallow. That is why I can't be upset with my Gary, he can stay as heartbroken as he wants. I just listen to him when his heart screams out...maybe it will drown out my own.

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